5am. Why? Not at all sure.

"It’s draining all of me

Oh they find it hard to believe

I’ll be wearing these scars

For everyone to see"

...never the same song.

Midday Thoughts

Silence personified
Dr. Jekyll
Mr. Hyde
My comfort
My torment
Quiet
And deafening
In this moment
Anxiety
Tonight
Serenity
Please…
Stay with me
Weather the storm
Hold on
Just a little longer

Another one...

“Falling’s not the problem. When I’m falling, I’m at ease. It’s only when I hit the ground, that causes all the grief.”

….this is the bottom….

So proud

Who's a proud momma? Me! That's who! Sam scored a 132 on her IQ Test and is in the 98th percentile. They want to move her into the accelerated program next year. However, this means switching schools.... AGAIN. I explained everything to her and told her it was her decision. After all she's been through this year..   forcing her into something like this is not on my agenda. Sam's response: "I'll think about it. The answer will probably be yes. I want to learn as much as I can, even if it means leaving my friends." So damn proud right now.

Unfinished, but Finished

You told me I never loved you
Simply because I went away
That couldn’t possibly be more untrue
I know I loved you
Because for far too long, I stayed

…..Just the beginning of a new piece. I missed you tonight for the first time in many months. I’m not sure why….human nature….I suppose. I think a broken bond with anyone leaves us all a little empty and broken. I pushed every emotion so far away as not to give back in…. it was bound to hit me eventually. I’ll still never go back. Only forward without you….
….I haven’t the heart to finish this tonight.

Old Hat

The looking glass exhibits apparitions in her eyes
Distant portraits of those that haunt her heart
Permanently painted inside of her mind
Forced out by reflection in seclusion
Reminiscent notions leave her hollow
And searching through the conclusions
Looking for failure’s explanation
Which, she fears she’ll never find
The memories are for keeps
They remain close to her soul and are bittersweet
With a smile on her face and her head hung low, she weeps
Tears for every ache; the should have, the could have and did
For every broken heart not her own and the ones that hid
She is sentimental and delicate, yet cynical and calloused
The fortress in which she hides is desolate, but safe
Locked away, restrained by her own devices
The loneliness causes a panic in her chest
She tries to rest, but is heavy hearted
Brooding over lovers current and departed
So desperate to be more than just adored
To find everything she’s been looking for
She sees through rose colored glasses
When one stands out from the masses
And there is always just that one
Who will pull the thread and watch her come undone
It’s like a gunshot to the head when the seams tear
In that moment, she lies lifeless and bare
Every time, her strength breathes life into her lungs
She gets up and undoes the undone
She wears the exit wound scars like armor
But often she is too quick to lay down her weapon
Her involvement with anyone…anymore…is bipolar
And she is anything but complacent…now and likely…forevermore

Inked

It wasn't a choose your own adventure book. You couldn't cheat by going back, to select a different choice. It was not written in pencil; you couldn't erase the mistakes, then pretend they never happened. It is a novel, covered in ink and published for the public. Anyone reading the story, knew how it would end. It was all there, in the foreshadows. Anyone passing it along, is only telling a folklore version. Only the writers know it's fact and fiction. Everything else is perception. Everything else is what we want you to think.

Amour Brisé

Shining platinum band
Outstretched by his hand
Diamond encrusted and marquise cut
…Apprehensive somewhat
Convinced I never wanted this
A love fit for timeless bliss, didn’t exist
Blinded by the look of love in his eyes
I took flight, soaring through the skies
Swept up in a romanticized dream
Perceived things only as they seemed
The most sacred symbol of a love so true
Placed upon my finger with the words “I do”
He promised to love, honor and cherish me for life
I promised to do the same as I vowed to be his wife
The ring, a circle, with no beginning and no end
To embody eternity with the ideal that love shall transcend
My ring once beautiful and whole
In disrepair now…broken banded, dull and missing stones
Coincidental…symbolic…ironic…
When this chapter’s end is catastrophic

We ran before we walked
We kissed before we talked
High on notions of love at first sight
When you know, you know and it’s just right
Head first into the abyss we dove
Entangled like flies in the lies we wove
Trust thrown out the window quick
We never had a chance without it
A roller coaster of highs, but mostly lows
Feeling suffocated and disillusioned by woes
Every day another fight
Followed by another sleepless night
Vile words from his lips to my ears
Acting out to escape his fears
Jealousy and passive aggressive forms of control
Knock down, drag out; the only way we’ve ever known
Broken beginnings lead to tragic ends
Sometimes, some things are just too broken to mend

Love is but a selfish need
When you only make your lover bleed
No longer will I be chastised by the lies
Nor will I paralyze our demise
Enough is enough and I’ve had my fill
I can’t go on, I haven’t the will
For this is not what love is supposed to be
Fighting constantly to live together in harmony
I’ve begged and I’ve pleaded and waited
Oh how I’ve waited
Too much resentment now, far too jaded
Apologies and promises of change
Have no effect on those estranged
An invention of truth, a desperate attempt
When it is the only option one has left
I was the rock, now smashed to pieces
I can’t stay to just console his grievances
I loved him through his darkest moments
I forgave him every time he begged for atonement
I’ve done everything I could possibly do
And still it wasn’t enough to break through

The ring feels phantom still
And for a while, it probably will
But how much longer was I to go on
Searching through the dark to find my dawn

THAT guy...

There is nothing more annoying than pretentious, malevolent people that manage to come out of every situation looking sensible, genuine and even celestial. It is unfortunate that the vast majority can't see through them......especially when the transparency is so apparent.

Disgusted

Wow! Attention idiots that STILL protest outside of Planned Parenthood:  1. It's 2011 and you still haven't won this fight. Don't you think it's time to let it go?  2. Decades have passed and you're STILL uneducated. Girls and women attend for more reasons than to just have an abortion. They offer a variety of HEALTHCARE services for a fraction of what hospitals charge. It's pretty great if you're uninsured.  3. I'd love to know what skeletons you have locked up in your closets, that are so terrifying, you have to spend your Saturdays telling other people they are going to hell.

I'm going to hell? I had a procedure to monitor for cervical cancer because I am uninsured. You're lucky you're 60 and I have self control....