Why Am I Here?

Am I just killing time again?
Waiting for my enchanting end?
Am I talking to myself again?
Does anyone ever even listen?
Am I wasting my night again?
Why did I bother picking up the pen?
To phrase another pointless rhyme?
What shall I write about this time?
The spiteful words that slay my father?
Perhaps, the endearment of my mother?
Things gone dreadfully wrong within our society?
How we will continue to regress by way of inhumanity?
My lovesick soul that cries like a child trapped inside?
My despise for those who have cheated and lied?
The empathy I feel for tormented spirits, while it eats me alive?
The desperation of broken hearts wishing to die?
The grotesque world I see when I step outside my door?
The greed and jealously that compels humans to be dissatisfied, always craving more?
Insecurities that haunt me when I cry myself to sleep?
Realities that taunt me while I wish to dream?
The crazed images that scatter themselves in my mind?
The sanctity of my own sanity that I am dying to find?
The faith I have lost in religion, love, and mankind?
How I still search for a single creature to be purely divine?
Rant and rave about stolen individuality?
How so few still acquire creativity?
The fascination I have with the human psyche?
How I long to be an all-knowing being?
The doubts that consistently wonder about my head?
How I dread to rest in the solitude of my lonely bed?
The fear I have of remaining in the company of only myself for eternity?
...These thoughts are bound to place me into an infirmary. 

You...

You twist my realities and consume my sanity.

...get out of my head.

To be inside his mind...

Number one:

I am finally done; my ego has gotten the best of me. Bright eyes, lust, attraction...things that consume me and also others. My pride and vanity, well hidden even to myself. I attract, I obtain, then I let go. Out of spite, jealousy, or ignorance...they come back, But as soon as they go or make that move...I get angry, frustrated...I am sooo selfish. I deserve it all, I need to let go...and I will. I am an object of lust and obsession, I really don't think I want it any other way. "...and god gave me sex appeal..." one of my favorite quotes. As well as "scratch and scrape this heavenly body". That's how I am and feel; I am worthless otherwise. Attachment and emotion are not my thing. Use me, abuse me...that's the way I like it. I am the world's whore, as long as you have the time and the money.

Number two:

Take this in...
Stare helplessly, in anger, in betrayal...but we never part. We hate as much as love lets us. Take it in...on my bed...so dirty as the soul I wear. Used and abused, the walls scream many tales. The lining holds the DNA of past, present and fears for the future. I take in your disease; you feel my virus? Die with me.
How many more will submit to punishment?
I often ask myself daily...hourly...fuck this...every second flesh upon flesh...the bearing of one's soul, open like the whore's legs. I can feel you; understand you...does that scare you? I often laugh at the fact that, I know you better than you know yourself. I am you...I absorb you...take you in...as you take this in.
My Love...
As I make your feel this love...this love like a touch, a grace of god...this embodiment of flesh...scratch and scrape this heavenly body..."every inch of willing skin".
Victim...
You? Fuck you! Me; more like I was one. I was led...misunderstood me...wished for more, you asked for it...I gave into temptation. You brought this upon me...could I want more? Do I sit here now dwelling on this? If not, why would I be writing?  Who am I anyway? Who did this to me? Could I dare blame anyone, but myself? Don't ask me; I don't know...nor should you care.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Oh my darling...in such twisted ways, your mind works. I should have taken it all as a warning. I think I did and just ignored it. Maybe they weren't loud enough. What the fuck is wrong with me?! Reading them...only made me more intrigued...I think. You so boldly put yourself out there, leading each of us to believe you to be so damaged, but honest...and real. Simply selfish; admittedly so. Lie right through your teeth, even after you're caught, to harness that selfishness. So much truth in the names your bury your sin in...my Fallen Angyl. Some say you're foolish. I say you are simply and ingenious mastermind. Manipulating the putty in your hands, to form your slaves. Even the clever ones, as knowing as I, submit themselves to you. I have. At times, I still desire to...but I am smarter than you...I will not die with you.

The truth in black and white, finally. Damn you. No, me. I should have known. I think I did know. Self loathing...I want to come back so badly...but I cannot indulge myself in you. "An object of lust and obsession"....couldn't be more true. I swore you showed me more though. I'm sure they did too. Like a game maybe...which one of us wins? ...or loses for that matter? Just lust. Lust wins and ruins. Still...I can't help but feel that somewhere inside of you, beneath all the wreckage of the damage....there is a genuine soul. Delicate. Hiding. How I wish I'd been graced by your introduction before then.

Our arrangement was so simplistic...all you had to do was tell the truth. Frustrated now, as you always are, when the truth finds you. Let the wounds scab over. Heal. Head first. Maybe then you'll change your mind. For, unveiled masses of skin in the twilight, will never fill the void in your life. Trust me...I know.

...I could have.

This is my rant...my rage. It may never come across your sight. If it does, you'll likely not care.
...Maybe I should arrange it so.  Closure? Maybe.

Sadly Mistaken...

The beautiful one, my Fallen Angyl...look upon the murderous things you have done. False truth behind your eyes, incredible passion beneath your skin. I took in your virus and every malicious sin. I must admit, within moments of lust, I felt my heart awaken. Left with your disease scratching at my brain, eating away at my flesh. Oh...I was so sadly mistaken.

Sleep doesn't want me...

I really wish I could sleep right now, but I cannot. Instead, I'm here, wasting my thoughts on the worthless one. That boy really knows how to sucker you in, then spit you out. I often wonder how I see such beauty in such evil beings. Ah, but my eyes of deceive me. Having a dark side is somehow so eccentric and intriguing, I can't help myself. Being purely evil though....

I'm growing colder. I've already grown so weary of love of all it's games. I do not want to be a numb, cold, heartless bitch...but "hate's evil aide invades my insides. I fear, that by the time I find someone worth loving, I will be far too blinded by my anger and resentment, to see it. 

Eh...if I write anymore...it's only going to be more mindless rambling....