Bleed it out...

Comedown Cravings

Needle to the vein
No, please, not again
I don’t want be a junkie
That last dose you gave me
Spun me, just a little too roughly
Got a bad case…so bad I’m shaking…
A bad case of the comedown cravings
So I start trading
One addiction for the next
No time to rest
Have to break free…
Free from the drug imprisoning me
Free from the users
The enablers and abusers
Erase all the places
We’d go to get high
Erase all the faces
That know our lie
Euphoria in your eyes
When I decided to “try”
My skin has thinned
Aged with each binge
That blank stare of misery
Through your eyes
Here lies our reality
Junkies, aren’t we?
Detox is the only way
With or without you I’m afraid
Klonopin kisses just to get by
Taper the dose and try not to fly
When I was sober, I wished I was high
When I was sober I lived a different lie
When I was sober I was beaten for years
He beat me so badly, I ran out of tears
I wish I could save you…I really do
I can’t be your rock, when I’m broken too
…I can barely save myself from you

3:32 am

Sometimes...I wish you would read this.
I wish you could see all that I am.
Everything that I hide inside.
Every thought...each idea.
My beliefs.
My morals.
My interests.
My intelligence.
My goals.
What it is I hold dear to me.
All that I feel for you.
I wish you to know me.
I know you so well.
If only you could see me in my entirety...maybe...you would feel differently.
Perhaps, you would run faster.
We may never know.
For the fear of you having control...forbids it be shown.

Selfish.
Narcissistic.
Apprehensive.
Neurotic.
Infatuated.
Call me what you will.

In love, lust and loathing...my heart never ceases to burn for you. 

In Dreams

The candle's light dances with night's shadow.
Souls reach beyond common grounds, swallowing defenses.
Your mind rests in tranquility; unarmed and unaware.
In the glow, you lean in close.
Nearing your ear to my lips, this is my chance.
I sneak inside to catch a glimpse of your sheer magnitude.
I am your leech, your parasite.
No better than a bottom feeder.
Famished and fatigued, I crawl along the walls of your skull.
You are my cure for intellectual stimulation deprivation.
Off your deepest thoughts and darkest desires, I feed.
This thirst is a gluttonous one.
Longing to consume every inch of your mental capacity.
Lusting after what it is that makes you him.
…How it is you sincerely feel,
Why it is you think as you do...
Never distended, never sated...always craving more.
Inside your mind, through breath and blood, blissfully I could exist and expire.
To deem the surreal is, shown true, my only means of being within you. 

Caution

Wide eyed
You looked at me.
Truly amazed
You said to be.
Pretty pictures
Painted in gray.
Promising hope
For a better day.
Twisting, twirling
Thoughts in my head.
Spinning, swirling
Words that you said.
False truth
You then claimed.
Sincere apologies
uttered in shame.
My forgiveness
I gave to you.
Another chance
If only you'll be true.
Lying tongues
No longer tolerated.
Never again
Will I be dominated.
Brittle bones
I may crack.
True trust
I still lack.
Tread lightly
approach with care.
Another disaster
I cannot possibly bear.
Please wait.
The barriers will crash down.
Have patience
My heart will come around.

To be inside his mind...

Number one:

I am finally done; my ego has gotten the best of me. Bright eyes, lust, attraction...things that consume me and also others. My pride and vanity, well hidden even to myself. I attract, I obtain, then I let go. Out of spite, jealousy, or ignorance...they come back, But as soon as they go or make that move...I get angry, frustrated...I am sooo selfish. I deserve it all, I need to let go...and I will. I am an object of lust and obsession, I really don't think I want it any other way. "...and god gave me sex appeal..." one of my favorite quotes. As well as "scratch and scrape this heavenly body". That's how I am and feel; I am worthless otherwise. Attachment and emotion are not my thing. Use me, abuse me...that's the way I like it. I am the world's whore, as long as you have the time and the money.

Number two:

Take this in...
Stare helplessly, in anger, in betrayal...but we never part. We hate as much as love lets us. Take it in...on my bed...so dirty as the soul I wear. Used and abused, the walls scream many tales. The lining holds the DNA of past, present and fears for the future. I take in your disease; you feel my virus? Die with me.
How many more will submit to punishment?
I often ask myself daily...hourly...fuck this...every second flesh upon flesh...the bearing of one's soul, open like the whore's legs. I can feel you; understand you...does that scare you? I often laugh at the fact that, I know you better than you know yourself. I am you...I absorb you...take you in...as you take this in.
My Love...
As I make your feel this love...this love like a touch, a grace of god...this embodiment of flesh...scratch and scrape this heavenly body..."every inch of willing skin".
Victim...
You? Fuck you! Me; more like I was one. I was led...misunderstood me...wished for more, you asked for it...I gave into temptation. You brought this upon me...could I want more? Do I sit here now dwelling on this? If not, why would I be writing?  Who am I anyway? Who did this to me? Could I dare blame anyone, but myself? Don't ask me; I don't know...nor should you care.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Oh my darling...in such twisted ways, your mind works. I should have taken it all as a warning. I think I did and just ignored it. Maybe they weren't loud enough. What the fuck is wrong with me?! Reading them...only made me more intrigued...I think. You so boldly put yourself out there, leading each of us to believe you to be so damaged, but honest...and real. Simply selfish; admittedly so. Lie right through your teeth, even after you're caught, to harness that selfishness. So much truth in the names your bury your sin in...my Fallen Angyl. Some say you're foolish. I say you are simply and ingenious mastermind. Manipulating the putty in your hands, to form your slaves. Even the clever ones, as knowing as I, submit themselves to you. I have. At times, I still desire to...but I am smarter than you...I will not die with you.

The truth in black and white, finally. Damn you. No, me. I should have known. I think I did know. Self loathing...I want to come back so badly...but I cannot indulge myself in you. "An object of lust and obsession"....couldn't be more true. I swore you showed me more though. I'm sure they did too. Like a game maybe...which one of us wins? ...or loses for that matter? Just lust. Lust wins and ruins. Still...I can't help but feel that somewhere inside of you, beneath all the wreckage of the damage....there is a genuine soul. Delicate. Hiding. How I wish I'd been graced by your introduction before then.

Our arrangement was so simplistic...all you had to do was tell the truth. Frustrated now, as you always are, when the truth finds you. Let the wounds scab over. Heal. Head first. Maybe then you'll change your mind. For, unveiled masses of skin in the twilight, will never fill the void in your life. Trust me...I know.

...I could have.

This is my rant...my rage. It may never come across your sight. If it does, you'll likely not care.
...Maybe I should arrange it so.  Closure? Maybe.