Justice Prevails

Hmmm...do you feel it now?
Can you taste me on your lips?
Imagine my hair within your grip?
Dying to slip in between my hips?
Awe, what's the matter love?
Waiting ever so patiently
By the phone
Just for me?
Can't bare it?
Can't stand it?
Must pick up the phone
and dial my number?
Do your ears burn
When you hear my lack of concern?
Can't fathom the thought
Of my world being perfectly in order?
That I am capable of living
Without you?
Can't stand it?
Can't bare it any longer?
My attention
Affection
Avocations
Don't surround you.
Far too much time
Determination
And fortitude spent
Detaching from you.
I've reached the peak
Of my scale.
Waltzing in, you think
You can shake me down.
What is it you seek?
To always be sought?
I believe that may be.
For when your claws
Envelope and one
Begins to care
With flat palms and a blank stare
You dismiss what you hold dear.
To obtain the unobtainable.
The forbidden desire.
The closest you'll ever near me again.
Finally, I stick true to the
Proclamations I made.
Many people pine for
What they cannot have.
I was there.
Now you are.

Diseased

Rancid tastes overtake every inlet of my mouth.
The grotesque has a way of provoking saliva to thicken.
Dripping...dripping.
My god, I can taste him.
My throat dry; as if liquids haven't neared my lips in days.
Parasites infesting shrouds upon shrouds of flesh.
Absent.
Dormant.
Present...again.
Limbs grow numb.
My core begins to decay.
Cancerous kisses drink dry brittle bones.
Lying lips deliver deceit, curing qualms.
He it The Unforgiven.
He is the Devil's blood.
My feel-good scapegoat.
My deadliest sin.
It's time, this must end.
Grief stricken tears of insanity cloud my vision.
And scarlet droplets grace my face in his place. 

My Decree

I released my grasp tonight.
Ever ending the stride between you and I.
The emotional knot in my gut swings from a noosed rope.
Upon your excuses and lies, I will no longer choke.
I watch as my feelings for you slowly die.
Even the anger and resentment subside.
Closing my ears to your every word.
This time it's truly over; rest assured.

My eyes shall no longer shed razorblades for you.
Though I can only try to keep the words I write, from being crude.
For as dim as the light may become, I can't deny, the fire will forever reside.
At best, I must restrain the blazing flames from scorching my insides.
You...you are the reason I push so many away.
It is because of you, I cannot trust what they proclaim.

Tonight I placed my heart in an iron box.
Secured it tight with chains and locks.
I placed the box within a casket.
Buried it deep beneath the earth's gasket.
I find it be fitting there, in no man's land.
Far from the destruction of lover's hands.
Maybe one day someone will come along, holding the key.
Ready and willing to unearth the box and rescue me.

3:32 am

Sometimes...I wish you would read this.
I wish you could see all that I am.
Everything that I hide inside.
Every thought...each idea.
My beliefs.
My morals.
My interests.
My intelligence.
My goals.
What it is I hold dear to me.
All that I feel for you.
I wish you to know me.
I know you so well.
If only you could see me in my entirety...maybe...you would feel differently.
Perhaps, you would run faster.
We may never know.
For the fear of you having control...forbids it be shown.

Selfish.
Narcissistic.
Apprehensive.
Neurotic.
Infatuated.
Call me what you will.

In love, lust and loathing...my heart never ceases to burn for you. 

Him

Sometimes, I wish I never met him. For, my heart would still be my own.

In Dreams

The candle's light dances with night's shadow.
Souls reach beyond common grounds, swallowing defenses.
Your mind rests in tranquility; unarmed and unaware.
In the glow, you lean in close.
Nearing your ear to my lips, this is my chance.
I sneak inside to catch a glimpse of your sheer magnitude.
I am your leech, your parasite.
No better than a bottom feeder.
Famished and fatigued, I crawl along the walls of your skull.
You are my cure for intellectual stimulation deprivation.
Off your deepest thoughts and darkest desires, I feed.
This thirst is a gluttonous one.
Longing to consume every inch of your mental capacity.
Lusting after what it is that makes you him.
…How it is you sincerely feel,
Why it is you think as you do...
Never distended, never sated...always craving more.
Inside your mind, through breath and blood, blissfully I could exist and expire.
To deem the surreal is, shown true, my only means of being within you. 

Oxymoron

My dear, you are the epitome of an oxymoron...

The quiet storm.
A still breeze.
The peaceful thunder.
Lightning terrified of trees.
You are grotesque beauty.
A withering Night Jasmine seed.
The insecure narcissistic.
A modestly arrogant being.
The safe addiction.
A stimulating anesthetic.
An herbal narcotic.
My erratic habit.
You are a string-less marionette.
An unworthy useless tool.
A unique cliche.
The all-knowing fool.
The God of Hell.
A pleasant pain.
The tender sadist.
An inferior sovereign.
Merely a local drifter.
A sloth with goals.
A choosy beggar.
The aspiring lost soul.
An ambulant deceased man.
A surviving fatality.
Breathing apparitions.
You are my joyous tragedy.

Advocating Sin

Come here dear.
I won't say please.
Bow before me.
Beg for it...on your knees.
Pin me down now.
Push your lust inside.
Pull my hair.
Tell me your fairy tale lies.
Drag your nails down my back.
Sink your teeth into my neck.
Do it! I won't be an emotional wreck.
For, there are no emotions left.
You think I'll fall for you again?
I won't fall...I'll break you before I fall.
I'll take everything you have.
Knock you down, just to watch you crawl.
You think you can manipulate me?
Creep into my mind and fuck it?
Give it your best shot darling.
You won't get away with that shit.
You want to misuse me baby?
Don't put forth much effort...I'll allow you to.
This time around, I'm in control.
And I'm playing you for the fool. 

Whipping Boy

I stood at his front door last night.
Under the sky's silver eye.
Drenched in the cries of Heaven
My tears had room to hide.
In a time of retribution and desperation...
Swarming with disarray and no care for consequence...
Wanting no longer to be alone...
I drank my pride and knocked upon his foyer.

"My dearest Tempter, I've returned.
I submit to you now; tainted heart in bloody palm.
I am finished, I am through.
Condemned love to hell along with myself and you.
The lesson has already been taught.
I accepted the shallow waters we wade in long ago.
I ask you simply to lay me down, so that I may feel.
Feel desirable...feel alive...and most of all to know I'm still human."

A nightmare...being back there.
Never thought I'd revisit.
Misery surrounded us like starved mosquitoes
Sucking dry our bones, just for a reminiscent taste.
Scorched by his flame one too many times
Now blazing together in chorus.
Last night an intense rendezvous with Satan
Today an induction into the realm of wicked decadence.

GO

Leave me alone.
Leave my sight
...my dreams.
Leave my thoughts
...my memories.
Leave my touch
...my lips.
Leave my skin
...my hips.
Leave me alone tonight.

Get out!
Please, get out
...of my head
...my bed.

Leave me alone.
Stop haunting me
...wanting me.
Stop loving me
...hating me.
Stop looking at me
...enticing me.
Stop calling me
...deceiving me.
Leave me alone tonight.

Just go!
Please, just go
...find another
...another lover.

Leave me alone.
I don't want to fall for you
...love you.
I don't want to cry for you
...hate you.
I don't want to long for you
...crave you.
I don't want to live for you
...need you.
Leave me alone tonight.

You...

You twist my realities and consume my sanity.

...get out of my head.

To be inside his mind...

Number one:

I am finally done; my ego has gotten the best of me. Bright eyes, lust, attraction...things that consume me and also others. My pride and vanity, well hidden even to myself. I attract, I obtain, then I let go. Out of spite, jealousy, or ignorance...they come back, But as soon as they go or make that move...I get angry, frustrated...I am sooo selfish. I deserve it all, I need to let go...and I will. I am an object of lust and obsession, I really don't think I want it any other way. "...and god gave me sex appeal..." one of my favorite quotes. As well as "scratch and scrape this heavenly body". That's how I am and feel; I am worthless otherwise. Attachment and emotion are not my thing. Use me, abuse me...that's the way I like it. I am the world's whore, as long as you have the time and the money.

Number two:

Take this in...
Stare helplessly, in anger, in betrayal...but we never part. We hate as much as love lets us. Take it in...on my bed...so dirty as the soul I wear. Used and abused, the walls scream many tales. The lining holds the DNA of past, present and fears for the future. I take in your disease; you feel my virus? Die with me.
How many more will submit to punishment?
I often ask myself daily...hourly...fuck this...every second flesh upon flesh...the bearing of one's soul, open like the whore's legs. I can feel you; understand you...does that scare you? I often laugh at the fact that, I know you better than you know yourself. I am you...I absorb you...take you in...as you take this in.
My Love...
As I make your feel this love...this love like a touch, a grace of god...this embodiment of flesh...scratch and scrape this heavenly body..."every inch of willing skin".
Victim...
You? Fuck you! Me; more like I was one. I was led...misunderstood me...wished for more, you asked for it...I gave into temptation. You brought this upon me...could I want more? Do I sit here now dwelling on this? If not, why would I be writing?  Who am I anyway? Who did this to me? Could I dare blame anyone, but myself? Don't ask me; I don't know...nor should you care.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Oh my darling...in such twisted ways, your mind works. I should have taken it all as a warning. I think I did and just ignored it. Maybe they weren't loud enough. What the fuck is wrong with me?! Reading them...only made me more intrigued...I think. You so boldly put yourself out there, leading each of us to believe you to be so damaged, but honest...and real. Simply selfish; admittedly so. Lie right through your teeth, even after you're caught, to harness that selfishness. So much truth in the names your bury your sin in...my Fallen Angyl. Some say you're foolish. I say you are simply and ingenious mastermind. Manipulating the putty in your hands, to form your slaves. Even the clever ones, as knowing as I, submit themselves to you. I have. At times, I still desire to...but I am smarter than you...I will not die with you.

The truth in black and white, finally. Damn you. No, me. I should have known. I think I did know. Self loathing...I want to come back so badly...but I cannot indulge myself in you. "An object of lust and obsession"....couldn't be more true. I swore you showed me more though. I'm sure they did too. Like a game maybe...which one of us wins? ...or loses for that matter? Just lust. Lust wins and ruins. Still...I can't help but feel that somewhere inside of you, beneath all the wreckage of the damage....there is a genuine soul. Delicate. Hiding. How I wish I'd been graced by your introduction before then.

Our arrangement was so simplistic...all you had to do was tell the truth. Frustrated now, as you always are, when the truth finds you. Let the wounds scab over. Heal. Head first. Maybe then you'll change your mind. For, unveiled masses of skin in the twilight, will never fill the void in your life. Trust me...I know.

...I could have.

This is my rant...my rage. It may never come across your sight. If it does, you'll likely not care.
...Maybe I should arrange it so.  Closure? Maybe.

Sadly Mistaken...

The beautiful one, my Fallen Angyl...look upon the murderous things you have done. False truth behind your eyes, incredible passion beneath your skin. I took in your virus and every malicious sin. I must admit, within moments of lust, I felt my heart awaken. Left with your disease scratching at my brain, eating away at my flesh. Oh...I was so sadly mistaken.

Sleep doesn't want me...

I really wish I could sleep right now, but I cannot. Instead, I'm here, wasting my thoughts on the worthless one. That boy really knows how to sucker you in, then spit you out. I often wonder how I see such beauty in such evil beings. Ah, but my eyes of deceive me. Having a dark side is somehow so eccentric and intriguing, I can't help myself. Being purely evil though....

I'm growing colder. I've already grown so weary of love of all it's games. I do not want to be a numb, cold, heartless bitch...but "hate's evil aide invades my insides. I fear, that by the time I find someone worth loving, I will be far too blinded by my anger and resentment, to see it. 

Eh...if I write anymore...it's only going to be more mindless rambling....

Hideously Beautiful

March 18, 2003

Three hours plus, into this day, home now from our "visit".

Oh, how the midnight shadows fell upon his face, so exquisite.
Toxic hearts as open as my legs wrapped tightly around his form.
I laid in the comfort of ten million feathered pillows, unadorned.
Daggers fell from the walls with distinct intent...to be intimate...with my flesh.
His warmth inside me, flawlessly, repeatedly into me...enmeshed.
Tonight, I designed my own death...murderous weapons of lust...I disengaged.
Upon this encounter, I pained the beating of broken hearts enraged.
Unlike the soulless icy pleasures of yesterdays, blood ran hot, through my veins.
Flames inside my chest, a slight pulsating...revitalized from my own disdain.
From his eyes, I cannot hide...he will be the end of me, I cannot abide.
I do not want this, not like this...for it will end with a letter of suicide.
For my thoughts already captured by his innate beauty.
I center my attention about him as if he were an artless deity.
Thoughts, rhythms and rhymes jumbled in my head.
I cannot comprehend that of which has been unsaid.
Lucid dreams of reality exclude the slightest impossibilities.
Within my mind...I find mystified visions of fantasy...he has consumed my sanity.
I lay in bed now, dying to know...to know the secrets he hides inside.
Scratching the walls and biting my nails, attempting to decipher truth from lies.
The time is near...and so I fear...I will come to find my uncertainties ring true.
Make it quick...so that I can get...over it...before my logic fades and desires accrue.

March 24, 2003

7:51 in the morning now, home from the club and still awake.

Ah tonight...tonight the masquerade came to a deafening end...exposing you as fake.
Thought you could inch your way into my mind and blind me from the truth.
Have your way with me...use me...abuse me...until you were through.
Thought you could wrap your charming chains around my throat.
Make me your slave like those before me you have choked.
Far too close you came, my dear...but my intellect transcends your own.
You hide behind elaborate, pretentious cloaks…those of which cannot be condoned.
Foolish man…assumed you slaughtered me with a single stroke of the sword you drew.
I have freed myself from you...there are more...there is better...I do not need you.
You have climbed far too high upon that pedestal of yours, darling.
Descend now, for you will have thy own hand to blame for your imperial falling.
Show me no pity, for I would have given you every last diamond in the sky.
Been your savior...the one to heal your wounds, answer your cries...give you wings to fly.
Rid your heart of cold; remind you of love, lift you up...make life less intolerable.
My beloved...you are so divinely wicked...despicable, yet beyond admirable.
Visions of you brand themselves on my brain…spoken words still embedded within in my head.
I wish you away...could I only cast you out...but inside me, you will live, even after my blood is shed.
I cannot force fault upon anyone but myself, for I had already figured you out.
I envisioned this...my heart gorged from my chest...upon the floor...bleeding about.
Oh, my fiendish Lucifer, you stole my soul, leaving me as bleak and bitter as you.
The scrapes are scabbing over, but the scars will remain forever...tattooed. 

Fallen Angyl

Divine flesh beneath my nails and in my teeth.
Passion fills the air, so thick I can barely breathe.
Unveiled masses of skin in simultaneous motion.
Illustrating, mocking portraits of true emotion.

Strangely, this is known in acceptance.
Not even the slightest thought of repentance.
Maybe there is, for the words did surge from my hand.
Within dark corners of myself, I admit fear of this man.

For, a beautiful soul hides inside.
That, not even he, himself can deny.
Why must I always scratch at the exterior?
Digging and digging until I find the innermost core.

Damn the senseless bitch that hurt him so.
Condemn her to a life of anguish for turning him cold.
It is because of her, I do not want to feel for him.
I do not want to get too close to take him in.

The fear of falling taunts me consistently.
Slaughter all sentiments now, before they demolish me.
This is...what it is...and nothing more.
For, I know I will never be the one, whom he adores.