Terrifying....

Nobel discovery opens window onto Alzheimer's disease

It always has and forever will blow my mind; we can figure out every aspect of functionality in the human body…except for the brain. The brain is so complex and unique to an individual, we don’t even know the etiology behind headaches. We’re hardly sure of ourselves, when it comes to the pathophysiology that has been documented. And we’re certainly, lost, when it comes to migraines and cluster headaches.

So, mental illnesses….good luck. Exactly why there’s so much damn trial and error. Neurons “misfire” is how I’ve heard several of the diseases explained. Alzheimer’s and dementia, are lucky to have SOME distinguishing factors, when they actually present diagnostically. The history of treatment for mental illnesses is brutal. Now, they just get shoved in homes and brushed off, while treated to “ease the symptoms”….for everyone else’s sake.

I wish I could have started college directly after high school. Allowing me the time to go to school for the 8 years plus, I originally wanted to. I want to be doing what they’re doing….

Furthermore, this hits home. My deadbeat and my grandfather both had it. The possibility of getting it, scares the ever living shit out of me.

I wish I had a crystal ball....

If only letting go and getting over someone, was as quick and painless as falling for them.

That Sharp Pain

Hair like the sleek, dark lining in the shadows of dusk.
His glowing emerald eyes set my entrails ablaze.
With a sinister smile, he forms a thousand phrases set to unravel me.
His hands like knives, bit-by-bit, butchering my insides.
Behold the heart of ingot iron...so cold...so much like my own.
Beneath the gorgeous mask, lies death's horrendous face.
Remorseless, ruthless, repulsive...empathy and purity omitted.
For his soul, stolen and sold, ages beyond years ago.
A malicious, manipulative mastermind loiters about.
Repress, depress, regress...consistently battling the man within.
He is my vigor...my hatred...my disgust...my rage.
He breathes the very air I draw in.
Mauling my lungs...gnawing away at each viscera.
Do not taunt him, nor tempt him.
Do not set him free from the cages of my rib. 

Phobia

I awaken.
Dark still.
Why?
Blind?
Sewn shut?
I reach out.
Nothing.
Trapped.
Lost.
Where is here?
How?
Panic.
Fear.
Again...
I reach out.
Silk?
Maybe satin?
Oh my.
Wooden beams.
Panic.
Fear.
Motionless.
Breathless.
Claustrophobic.
Last thought.
I am going to die.
Here....buried alive. 

Trust in Instinct

Gorgeous eyes, painted with the oceans' sheerest hues.
Brilliant smile; capable of lightening the deepest dark blues.
Free spirited as if the world had no control.
Beyond humane; truly a compassionate soul.
Dreams like fire, you burn with ambition.
Boundless intellect, infused with great intuition.
Strong views and beliefs account for interesting conversation.
Your words rise above shallow waters and offer great stimulation.

Diverse man; you satisfy my incessant need for variety.
Even so, mysterious aspects instill me with curiosity.
Entirely taken by you...all that you are...all you long to be.
I see a man with a genuine core, yet my eyes often deceive me.
Unable to turn away, in hopes all this may be true.
So now, I must trust in instinct and open my heart to you.
Eliminating the walls, I completely lay myself on the line.
Please be cautious though, for parts of me remain lost in time.

2:03 am

I am far beyond terrified....
to love again
to let someone in
to show, share, and devote myself
to fall blindly
to be brokenhearted.

I am far beyond terrified....
to never love again
to never find my someone
to let love pass me by
to never feel pure bliss
to grow old alone.