This...

Late night ramblings...

It’s all quite amusing really. I’ve been spending some time thinking about what I want in another person, as far as a potential relationship goes.

I remember being 19 or so, having conversation after conversation with new and allegedly, interesting people. It was always late and if it was early, it was because it was late. Coffee shop talks or internet chats…the content would eventually veer down the same road. What do you look for in someone you want to date?

It’s a legit question, I suppose, but why do we ask and get asked this question? Is it so we can tailor ourselves properly to meet the minimum requirements of the person we are interested in? Or is this a quick shot to a compatibility view to see if we are wasting our time?

I never was big on 20 questions. Conversation is meant to be natural. Chemistry is meant to be primal. Compatibility is meant to be learned. Instinctual. Slow. Without force.

Yet, I sit and laugh at how different then is from now. I remember rambling off adjectives, as if I were placing an order: I’ll have tall dark and handsome with honesty, passion, similar interests, a sense of humor and intelligence. Can you hold the lies, bullshit, jealousy and anger issues, please? Oh! And can you add side of spontaneity?

I have encountered, both meaningless and life changing, relationships since. It seems knowing what I want, has been learned from experiencing what I don’t want. In the end….I suppose all of the same adjectives still apply, but it feels so much deeper than that now.

I want a relationship with someone that will be my best friend and lover. I want them to make those adjectives up there, turn into actions. I want to visit the variety and exploration with them, but live in the everyday and the usual. Grow and learn together. Accept one another for who we are and what is important to us. Build each other up, never tear each other down. Go to events we dislike or hate, without a fight and with a smile, because it makes the other person happy. I want to have conversations that blow my mind and laugh at childish jokes. I want to play video games together and go out to fancy dinners. I want someone I can’t imagine life without, but can handle space from one another. Attack problems open and honestly to avoid miscommunication. Equals on all levels. Never fear telling the other person what you actually think or feel…mutual understanding and acceptance. Compromise. Support and enhance each other in every way, shape and form. Love selflessly and always with the other’s best intentions in mind.

I can’t possibly state every scenario, every characteristic, adjective…. Something like what I’m looking for…just…is. It’s a chemistry click, formation of a relationship, growth and then an investment of your time and heart. All to find out if it’s everything you’ve ever wanted….flaws and all.

In the past, what I have felt for someone has steered me away from my desired attributes of a relationship. I can only suspect, that’s why those ones have ended. I won’t settle. I won’t force the circle peg in the square hole (although I may try once or twice…just to be positive it doesn’t fit). It doesn’t have to be picture perfect, but it has to be perfect for me and for them.

It's time...

Bits of it sit like a brick on my chest. That’s just the kind of person I am. Romanticism in every pore. Sentiments are everything. They’ve always been.

It is not until I’m pushed to the brink, teetering, and staring down at the lifeless land below….that I finally push back. Push and run. Push right past the one backing me into the dead end.
“Never look back.” I always do, but never as I’m running. Not until I’m far enough away, so no one sees. You’ll never see me think twice when it comes down to this. You’ll never see me cry. You’ll never know the things I miss after I say goodbye.

Burn me once, twice…ten times, shame on me, finally. Maybe it’s because I’m hopeful. Maybe I put too much faith in people. I see the good…or…want to. I expect the light to beat the dark. Comic book heroes and fairytale love affairs. That’s what we’ve been taught our entire lives. Unrealistic expectations.

“You’re so strong.” Strength does not come without a price. Mine is that of a widower. It is painful to let go, but holding on is pure torture. So, I let it all go. I let you go. I let your inabilities and apathy go. I let my insecurities and resentment go. And when you cross my mind, I will not think of what led me here…what could have been…what should have been. I will only think of what was and smile through the tears. I’ll find peace in knowing I loved myself enough to walk away, when you didn’t love me at all.

I am consoled by the notion of opening myself up to finding someone else that will.

Perfect...

Sometimes the most simplistic lyrics can be more profound than poetry. Raw emotion, even as a cover. It’s perfect. Goosebumps.

(Don’t judge me)

The fixer....

Inside My Mind: Foolish Reveries: Lay with me in the meadows, by the countryside. Grace my ears with your soothing lullabies. Read to me while I rest, encased in the warmth...

Came across the original hand written version of this while cleaning/organizing. June 25, 2003. 20 years old with everything in front of me, while my life was just beginning. I’d do so much, so differently. Or so I’d like to think.

I’ve made so many wrong decisions. Still I have the same vision. Still I have an open wound. An unfilled void. They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, while expecting different results. I question my sanity then, I suppose.

While I am the fixer, I suppose I’m always looking for my savior. Someone to be a me, for me. Selfish, though I’m often selfless. Just once, I’d like to get what I give. My mind is moving into the house of old….where there is no choice but to give up the foolish reveries. Let it all go. Let the cold return, to fill the vacancy. Alone. It’s where I belong. It’s where I’ve always been, even in the days of mates.

3:32 am

Sometimes...I wish you would read this.
I wish you could see all that I am.
Everything that I hide inside.
Every thought...each idea.
My beliefs.
My morals.
My interests.
My intelligence.
My goals.
What it is I hold dear to me.
All that I feel for you.
I wish you to know me.
I know you so well.
If only you could see me in my entirety...maybe...you would feel differently.
Perhaps, you would run faster.
We may never know.
For the fear of you having control...forbids it be shown.

Selfish.
Narcissistic.
Apprehensive.
Neurotic.
Infatuated.
Call me what you will.

In love, lust and loathing...my heart never ceases to burn for you. 

Foolish Reveries

Lay with me in the meadows, by the countryside.
Grace my ears with your soothing lullabies.
Read to me while I rest, encased in the warmth of your limbs.
Take me unto the tale, far from all things grim.
Entwine your fingers with mine and pull me from this darkness.
Force me to see, not all that spins outside my world is monstrous.
Eradicate the gruesome entity that has infested my mortal scraps.
Rescue me from the blood lusting wolves and their rock-strewn traps.

Sit with me in the thick smog, near the fireside.
Stare into me amorously, entrancing me with your eyes.
Articulate not a single word; allow only your heart to speak out.
Pledge not one promise; permit time to disprove my doubts.
Explore and discover every aspect of my intricate, internal self.
Hold my hand up to your chest, to sense heartbeats felt for no one else.
Reveal yourself to me entirely; hide not in the shadows of this night.
Delicately revive the thumping of my heart...out of purity...not in spite.

Take me to your elite scene of solitude, by the lakeside.
Make us lost in the grains of sand, under the lifeless sky.
Place your hand upon my face and subtle kisses upon my lips.
Brush over my skin with the lightness of your fingertips.
Toast to an eternal life lived together in truth, love, and pleasure.
Drink with me the celebratory wine, red as ruby treasures.
Forever express your love, not through idioms, but actions.
Walk with me in this fantasy and we shall find undying satisfaction.


…Hope slowly fades to ethereal illusions before my eyes.
…I'm beginning to believe your existence is merely my mind's lie.

5:53 am

Sights set.
Hearts race.
Palms sweat.
Bodies shake.
Cores tremble.
Souls soar.
Minds wander.
Curiosity strikes.
Mystery instills.

A touch.
A kiss.
A word.
A phrase.
A lover.
A fuck.
A lie.
A mask.
A face.

Time invested.
Love shared.
Disillusions spent.
Expectations unmet.
Flesh burned.
Corpses bared.
Hearts shattered.
Dreams torn.
Hopes destroyed.

All for a thrill.
For love.
For lust.
For a chance.
For romance.
To reform.
To be happy.
To lose.
To bleed.

Play the game.
Again and again.
A vicious circle.
Go round and round.
Crying out.
Dying to be loved.
Wait or search.
Either way we all play.
To find a soul mate
......someday. 

Trust in Instinct

Gorgeous eyes, painted with the oceans' sheerest hues.
Brilliant smile; capable of lightening the deepest dark blues.
Free spirited as if the world had no control.
Beyond humane; truly a compassionate soul.
Dreams like fire, you burn with ambition.
Boundless intellect, infused with great intuition.
Strong views and beliefs account for interesting conversation.
Your words rise above shallow waters and offer great stimulation.

Diverse man; you satisfy my incessant need for variety.
Even so, mysterious aspects instill me with curiosity.
Entirely taken by you...all that you are...all you long to be.
I see a man with a genuine core, yet my eyes often deceive me.
Unable to turn away, in hopes all this may be true.
So now, I must trust in instinct and open my heart to you.
Eliminating the walls, I completely lay myself on the line.
Please be cautious though, for parts of me remain lost in time.

Serenity

Darling.
Come unto me.
Embrace me in your grasp.
Restrain my mind from wakefulness.
Poised dreams.