Growth

On this day, three years ago: I quit. I quit holding on to the resentment. I quit letting others determine my worth. I quit focusing on what was out of my control. I quit blaming myself. I quit believing I wasn't worthy of love. I quit pretending I was too badass, to desire it. I quit settling to fill the void. I quit lying to myself. I quit my path of self destruction.

In the following months: I forgave others. I let go. I built myself back up. I discovered my worth. I focused on being a better person. I opened up and took chances. I dipped the minute someone showed an ounce of deceit or uncertainty. I was honest with myself. I learned to love myself again. I became comfortable being alone. I forgave myself. I was happy.

By October, I found myself in love. Not in lust. Not infatuated. Love. A happy, healthy, equal partnership. The type of love I've always desired. A love I used to think I didn't deserve, and would never find. Moreover, in love with someone that I was with previously. Someone that, inadvertently, bruised my ego once before.

Without the aforementioned soul searching, I would have passed up this opportunity. I would have scoffed and remained guarded. Hell, maybe he wouldn't have even given me a second glance. Being an emotional badass, really isn't all that appealing. It's a poor defense mechanism. One that I'm thrilled, I laid to rest. More recently, I finally grew a pair. I asked for forgiveness, for my own indiscretions. The cherry on top.

I'm happy. Like, TRULY happy. Happier than I think I've ever been. I'm confident, moving forward with him, to build our lives together. I honestly believe, I would have missed out, had I not first learned to love myself.

Lesson Learned

          The papers were signed that day; close to two years after I walked out. It was the best decision I ever made. It was the shock...of the sympathy felt, rather than the highly anticipated celebration. More like a funeral, than a party. Certainly, not a doubt. Merely a reflection, as I laid it to rest. I had long since grieved the lost investment of a failed marriage, and the acceptance of being alone. I've always been the type of person that wears their scars exposed, with pride. Each scar is a lesson learned and a battle fought.

Oddly, I have a special appreciation for this one. The ugliest and most visible one. The last lesson in self actualization and self worth. Ridding the toxicity, to find a better me. Learning how to be happy alone, and love myself again. I don't believe for a second, that any of it was anything but, exactly what it was meant to be. Demolition; to make way for a perfect foundation with a smooth, paved path. One which led me right into the arms of a man, whom within, I found everything I've been searching for. Only then, did I realize this: stumbling upon a destination, without the journey, is like being told the answer to a question you've never asked. In that moment, everything made sense. I've never been so thankful for a lesson learned. 

Antares

Eyes like a house without windows
Lips like a vault without a combo
Removed, reserved, recondite…
Completely locked down
No one gets in and no one gets out

Eyes like a child scorned
Lips like wildfire, ready to burn
Damaged, defensive, destructive…
Outrageous like a talent
If it goes down, everything’s going with it

We were short, sweet and simple
Scared, cynical and superficial
There was no need to commit
It was…just the way we needed it

There were lies in your eyes I didn’t want to hear
While the truths in mine, flooded me with fear
That sixth sense in my chest, told me to run
So I ran until we were done

No bad blood, but it still hurt like hell
I didn’t, but I almost severely fell

You took her; I took him
We built separate lives on a whim
They filled up our voids with toxicity
Taught us everything love should never be
Years spent trying to make the wrong things right
Eventually, we each gave up the fight

I left him; you left her
And then there you were
From the back of my mind
To right before my eyes
And still just as handsome as ever
Of course, I played it up like I didn’t care

That’s always the first line of defense
Biding time to find an air of reality in the pretense
Circumstances and denial
Kept it at bay for quite awhile

Fact is, I was undeniably being drawn in
By the exact thing that told me to run back then
As much as it was, it wasn’t at all the same
There was a different end game within its aim
A pervasive play begging me to stay
Even if I wanted to, it wouldn’t let me run away

Let’s test the waters then shall we
Come, sit down by the fire with me
Hours and hours passed like minutes
It was comfortable, complex, and candid
We found ourselves lost on a highbrow highway
As everyone else in the background just faded away

You sealed my fate before sunrise
With a kiss on my lips and truths in your eyes
The depths in which you swim with me, blow my mind
Connecting on every level as if it were a devised design
You compliment or challenge every aspect of my soul’s very core
You are the epitome of the love I’ve been waiting for and more

How lucky I feel; how thankful I am
To meet the love of my life…again
To be given another chance that night
To fall for you when our time was right

Pragmatic Romantic

For them, it comes easy or not at all
They simply stumble, then fall
Fall into it all, so effortlessly
Love…luck…life; they walk along so blissfully
Complacent with their entire existence
It leaves us, almost…envious
For us, it better come perpetually perplexed
Otherwise, we show a complete lack of interest
We can’t help but inquire and wonder
Pick apart every explanation and blunder
I’m not so sure sometimes, if people like you and I
Are cursed or blessed by what lies within our minds
This insatiable appetite causes us to grow restless
Jumping in, head first, into anything that hints at this so-called bliss
But alas, we can only turn a blind eye in short stints
Until we question every single thing and the authenticity of it
I’m not even sure you are here, where I am
Maybe it’s just my head, conjuring up something meaningful again

Timing is Everything

I’ve been forced to be strong, my entire life. I’m quite proud of who it has made me, actually. However, it leaves me lonely. A strong, smart woman, with a ton of life experience…makes for a very, very real, reality. It makes happiness and satisfaction in love, difficult. It makes “all or nothing” the only option. It makes each decision, an analytical escapade. It makes for a heavy heart, with each bond that has fallen apart.

So, I remain within the void…in the black hole purgatory. I smile and laugh, when I want to cry. I go out and keep busy, when I don’t want to get out of my bed. I make a happy memory, when I am incredibly sad. I dive deep into another’s ocean, while they wade in my shallow end. I walk away calmly, when I know I’m being played for a fool. My mind is beautiful, but torturous.

Therefore, if I fall weak in your arms, if you have to wipe away tears, or console me…you should know…you have me. You have all of me…every little bit…even the parts I don’t like. Vulnerability is not my strong point, but I sure would love to be free of this armor, indefinitely. I just can’t. Not until I have that one person fully and them, me. It just so happens, the instances in which that has happened, we were on completely different timelines.

This...

5:53 am

Sights set.
Hearts race.
Palms sweat.
Bodies shake.
Cores tremble.
Souls soar.
Minds wander.
Curiosity strikes.
Mystery instills.

A touch.
A kiss.
A word.
A phrase.
A lover.
A fuck.
A lie.
A mask.
A face.

Time invested.
Love shared.
Disillusions spent.
Expectations unmet.
Flesh burned.
Corpses bared.
Hearts shattered.
Dreams torn.
Hopes destroyed.

All for a thrill.
For love.
For lust.
For a chance.
For romance.
To reform.
To be happy.
To lose.
To bleed.

Play the game.
Again and again.
A vicious circle.
Go round and round.
Crying out.
Dying to be loved.
Wait or search.
Either way we all play.
To find a soul mate
......someday. 

2:03 am

I am far beyond terrified....
to love again
to let someone in
to show, share, and devote myself
to fall blindly
to be brokenhearted.

I am far beyond terrified....
to never love again
to never find my someone
to let love pass me by
to never feel pure bliss
to grow old alone. 

My Little Secret

Secretly, I’m intrigued by you.
I’m burning with curiosity.
I scrutinize your every move.
I crave you.
I long to indulge myself in you.
I need to unlock the mystery.
Alone.

Secretly, I want to be with you.
I’m eager to hold you, kiss you, adore you.
I’m itching to feel your touch.
I hope to trust you.
I want to show myself to you.
I anticipate sharing my dreams with you.
Alone still.

Mysterious Love

You're the man I know I love.
You're the man I'm dreaming of.
You're the man I'm waiting for,
but I still don't know who you are.