Late night ramblings...

It’s all quite amusing really. I’ve been spending some time thinking about what I want in another person, as far as a potential relationship goes.

I remember being 19 or so, having conversation after conversation with new and allegedly, interesting people. It was always late and if it was early, it was because it was late. Coffee shop talks or internet chats…the content would eventually veer down the same road. What do you look for in someone you want to date?

It’s a legit question, I suppose, but why do we ask and get asked this question? Is it so we can tailor ourselves properly to meet the minimum requirements of the person we are interested in? Or is this a quick shot to a compatibility view to see if we are wasting our time?

I never was big on 20 questions. Conversation is meant to be natural. Chemistry is meant to be primal. Compatibility is meant to be learned. Instinctual. Slow. Without force.

Yet, I sit and laugh at how different then is from now. I remember rambling off adjectives, as if I were placing an order: I’ll have tall dark and handsome with honesty, passion, similar interests, a sense of humor and intelligence. Can you hold the lies, bullshit, jealousy and anger issues, please? Oh! And can you add side of spontaneity?

I have encountered, both meaningless and life changing, relationships since. It seems knowing what I want, has been learned from experiencing what I don’t want. In the end….I suppose all of the same adjectives still apply, but it feels so much deeper than that now.

I want a relationship with someone that will be my best friend and lover. I want them to make those adjectives up there, turn into actions. I want to visit the variety and exploration with them, but live in the everyday and the usual. Grow and learn together. Accept one another for who we are and what is important to us. Build each other up, never tear each other down. Go to events we dislike or hate, without a fight and with a smile, because it makes the other person happy. I want to have conversations that blow my mind and laugh at childish jokes. I want to play video games together and go out to fancy dinners. I want someone I can’t imagine life without, but can handle space from one another. Attack problems open and honestly to avoid miscommunication. Equals on all levels. Never fear telling the other person what you actually think or feel…mutual understanding and acceptance. Compromise. Support and enhance each other in every way, shape and form. Love selflessly and always with the other’s best intentions in mind.

I can’t possibly state every scenario, every characteristic, adjective…. Something like what I’m looking for…just…is. It’s a chemistry click, formation of a relationship, growth and then an investment of your time and heart. All to find out if it’s everything you’ve ever wanted….flaws and all.

In the past, what I have felt for someone has steered me away from my desired attributes of a relationship. I can only suspect, that’s why those ones have ended. I won’t settle. I won’t force the circle peg in the square hole (although I may try once or twice…just to be positive it doesn’t fit). It doesn’t have to be picture perfect, but it has to be perfect for me and for them.

Foolish Reveries

Lay with me in the meadows, by the countryside.
Grace my ears with your soothing lullabies.
Read to me while I rest, encased in the warmth of your limbs.
Take me unto the tale, far from all things grim.
Entwine your fingers with mine and pull me from this darkness.
Force me to see, not all that spins outside my world is monstrous.
Eradicate the gruesome entity that has infested my mortal scraps.
Rescue me from the blood lusting wolves and their rock-strewn traps.

Sit with me in the thick smog, near the fireside.
Stare into me amorously, entrancing me with your eyes.
Articulate not a single word; allow only your heart to speak out.
Pledge not one promise; permit time to disprove my doubts.
Explore and discover every aspect of my intricate, internal self.
Hold my hand up to your chest, to sense heartbeats felt for no one else.
Reveal yourself to me entirely; hide not in the shadows of this night.
Delicately revive the thumping of my heart...out of purity...not in spite.

Take me to your elite scene of solitude, by the lakeside.
Make us lost in the grains of sand, under the lifeless sky.
Place your hand upon my face and subtle kisses upon my lips.
Brush over my skin with the lightness of your fingertips.
Toast to an eternal life lived together in truth, love, and pleasure.
Drink with me the celebratory wine, red as ruby treasures.
Forever express your love, not through idioms, but actions.
Walk with me in this fantasy and we shall find undying satisfaction.


…Hope slowly fades to ethereal illusions before my eyes.
…I'm beginning to believe your existence is merely my mind's lie.