Timing is Everything

I’ve been forced to be strong, my entire life. I’m quite proud of who it has made me, actually. However, it leaves me lonely. A strong, smart woman, with a ton of life experience…makes for a very, very real, reality. It makes happiness and satisfaction in love, difficult. It makes “all or nothing” the only option. It makes each decision, an analytical escapade. It makes for a heavy heart, with each bond that has fallen apart.

So, I remain within the void…in the black hole purgatory. I smile and laugh, when I want to cry. I go out and keep busy, when I don’t want to get out of my bed. I make a happy memory, when I am incredibly sad. I dive deep into another’s ocean, while they wade in my shallow end. I walk away calmly, when I know I’m being played for a fool. My mind is beautiful, but torturous.

Therefore, if I fall weak in your arms, if you have to wipe away tears, or console me…you should know…you have me. You have all of me…every little bit…even the parts I don’t like. Vulnerability is not my strong point, but I sure would love to be free of this armor, indefinitely. I just can’t. Not until I have that one person fully and them, me. It just so happens, the instances in which that has happened, we were on completely different timelines.

Late night ramblings...

It’s all quite amusing really. I’ve been spending some time thinking about what I want in another person, as far as a potential relationship goes.

I remember being 19 or so, having conversation after conversation with new and allegedly, interesting people. It was always late and if it was early, it was because it was late. Coffee shop talks or internet chats…the content would eventually veer down the same road. What do you look for in someone you want to date?

It’s a legit question, I suppose, but why do we ask and get asked this question? Is it so we can tailor ourselves properly to meet the minimum requirements of the person we are interested in? Or is this a quick shot to a compatibility view to see if we are wasting our time?

I never was big on 20 questions. Conversation is meant to be natural. Chemistry is meant to be primal. Compatibility is meant to be learned. Instinctual. Slow. Without force.

Yet, I sit and laugh at how different then is from now. I remember rambling off adjectives, as if I were placing an order: I’ll have tall dark and handsome with honesty, passion, similar interests, a sense of humor and intelligence. Can you hold the lies, bullshit, jealousy and anger issues, please? Oh! And can you add side of spontaneity?

I have encountered, both meaningless and life changing, relationships since. It seems knowing what I want, has been learned from experiencing what I don’t want. In the end….I suppose all of the same adjectives still apply, but it feels so much deeper than that now.

I want a relationship with someone that will be my best friend and lover. I want them to make those adjectives up there, turn into actions. I want to visit the variety and exploration with them, but live in the everyday and the usual. Grow and learn together. Accept one another for who we are and what is important to us. Build each other up, never tear each other down. Go to events we dislike or hate, without a fight and with a smile, because it makes the other person happy. I want to have conversations that blow my mind and laugh at childish jokes. I want to play video games together and go out to fancy dinners. I want someone I can’t imagine life without, but can handle space from one another. Attack problems open and honestly to avoid miscommunication. Equals on all levels. Never fear telling the other person what you actually think or feel…mutual understanding and acceptance. Compromise. Support and enhance each other in every way, shape and form. Love selflessly and always with the other’s best intentions in mind.

I can’t possibly state every scenario, every characteristic, adjective…. Something like what I’m looking for…just…is. It’s a chemistry click, formation of a relationship, growth and then an investment of your time and heart. All to find out if it’s everything you’ve ever wanted….flaws and all.

In the past, what I have felt for someone has steered me away from my desired attributes of a relationship. I can only suspect, that’s why those ones have ended. I won’t settle. I won’t force the circle peg in the square hole (although I may try once or twice…just to be positive it doesn’t fit). It doesn’t have to be picture perfect, but it has to be perfect for me and for them.

Requisite

Soaking wet
With anticipation
Frustration
Admiration.
The desire
The need for
The thirst...
Complete intoxication.
The thrill
Is not
the penetration.
It is the temptation
And excitation.
The gratification
Is in that
Which leads to
The sensation.

Give me
The passion.  

The visions
And dreams.
The fever
And fantasies.
The theories
And beliefs.
The ambition
And motivation.
The  creativity
And spontaneity.

Give me
The crux
Of your soul.

Give yourself to me.