Growth

On this day, three years ago: I quit. I quit holding on to the resentment. I quit letting others determine my worth. I quit focusing on what was out of my control. I quit blaming myself. I quit believing I wasn't worthy of love. I quit pretending I was too badass, to desire it. I quit settling to fill the void. I quit lying to myself. I quit my path of self destruction.

In the following months: I forgave others. I let go. I built myself back up. I discovered my worth. I focused on being a better person. I opened up and took chances. I dipped the minute someone showed an ounce of deceit or uncertainty. I was honest with myself. I learned to love myself again. I became comfortable being alone. I forgave myself. I was happy.

By October, I found myself in love. Not in lust. Not infatuated. Love. A happy, healthy, equal partnership. The type of love I've always desired. A love I used to think I didn't deserve, and would never find. Moreover, in love with someone that I was with previously. Someone that, inadvertently, bruised my ego once before.

Without the aforementioned soul searching, I would have passed up this opportunity. I would have scoffed and remained guarded. Hell, maybe he wouldn't have even given me a second glance. Being an emotional badass, really isn't all that appealing. It's a poor defense mechanism. One that I'm thrilled, I laid to rest. More recently, I finally grew a pair. I asked for forgiveness, for my own indiscretions. The cherry on top.

I'm happy. Like, TRULY happy. Happier than I think I've ever been. I'm confident, moving forward with him, to build our lives together. I honestly believe, I would have missed out, had I not first learned to love myself.

Antares

Eyes like a house without windows
Lips like a vault without a combo
Removed, reserved, recondite…
Completely locked down
No one gets in and no one gets out

Eyes like a child scorned
Lips like wildfire, ready to burn
Damaged, defensive, destructive…
Outrageous like a talent
If it goes down, everything’s going with it

We were short, sweet and simple
Scared, cynical and superficial
There was no need to commit
It was…just the way we needed it

There were lies in your eyes I didn’t want to hear
While the truths in mine, flooded me with fear
That sixth sense in my chest, told me to run
So I ran until we were done

No bad blood, but it still hurt like hell
I didn’t, but I almost severely fell

You took her; I took him
We built separate lives on a whim
They filled up our voids with toxicity
Taught us everything love should never be
Years spent trying to make the wrong things right
Eventually, we each gave up the fight

I left him; you left her
And then there you were
From the back of my mind
To right before my eyes
And still just as handsome as ever
Of course, I played it up like I didn’t care

That’s always the first line of defense
Biding time to find an air of reality in the pretense
Circumstances and denial
Kept it at bay for quite awhile

Fact is, I was undeniably being drawn in
By the exact thing that told me to run back then
As much as it was, it wasn’t at all the same
There was a different end game within its aim
A pervasive play begging me to stay
Even if I wanted to, it wouldn’t let me run away

Let’s test the waters then shall we
Come, sit down by the fire with me
Hours and hours passed like minutes
It was comfortable, complex, and candid
We found ourselves lost on a highbrow highway
As everyone else in the background just faded away

You sealed my fate before sunrise
With a kiss on my lips and truths in your eyes
The depths in which you swim with me, blow my mind
Connecting on every level as if it were a devised design
You compliment or challenge every aspect of my soul’s very core
You are the epitome of the love I’ve been waiting for and more

How lucky I feel; how thankful I am
To meet the love of my life…again
To be given another chance that night
To fall for you when our time was right

This...

Find the happy...

Never put your happiness in someone else’s hands. Learn to make yourself happy.

A lesson that still has not been learned. Happiness has only ever felt like snap shots. Like one good day out of one hundred bad ones.

Medicated. Same snap shot…with a dimmer flash effect.