Growth

On this day, three years ago: I quit. I quit holding on to the resentment. I quit letting others determine my worth. I quit focusing on what was out of my control. I quit blaming myself. I quit believing I wasn't worthy of love. I quit pretending I was too badass, to desire it. I quit settling to fill the void. I quit lying to myself. I quit my path of self destruction.

In the following months: I forgave others. I let go. I built myself back up. I discovered my worth. I focused on being a better person. I opened up and took chances. I dipped the minute someone showed an ounce of deceit or uncertainty. I was honest with myself. I learned to love myself again. I became comfortable being alone. I forgave myself. I was happy.

By October, I found myself in love. Not in lust. Not infatuated. Love. A happy, healthy, equal partnership. The type of love I've always desired. A love I used to think I didn't deserve, and would never find. Moreover, in love with someone that I was with previously. Someone that, inadvertently, bruised my ego once before.

Without the aforementioned soul searching, I would have passed up this opportunity. I would have scoffed and remained guarded. Hell, maybe he wouldn't have even given me a second glance. Being an emotional badass, really isn't all that appealing. It's a poor defense mechanism. One that I'm thrilled, I laid to rest. More recently, I finally grew a pair. I asked for forgiveness, for my own indiscretions. The cherry on top.

I'm happy. Like, TRULY happy. Happier than I think I've ever been. I'm confident, moving forward with him, to build our lives together. I honestly believe, I would have missed out, had I not first learned to love myself.

"People hate most in others, what they fear in themselves...."

Try making friends with your demons, instead of forcing them to hide. Maybe then, you wouldn't hate me, so much for mine. I control my demons; the don't control me.

I am open.

I am free.

Timing is Everything

I’ve been forced to be strong, my entire life. I’m quite proud of who it has made me, actually. However, it leaves me lonely. A strong, smart woman, with a ton of life experience…makes for a very, very real, reality. It makes happiness and satisfaction in love, difficult. It makes “all or nothing” the only option. It makes each decision, an analytical escapade. It makes for a heavy heart, with each bond that has fallen apart.

So, I remain within the void…in the black hole purgatory. I smile and laugh, when I want to cry. I go out and keep busy, when I don’t want to get out of my bed. I make a happy memory, when I am incredibly sad. I dive deep into another’s ocean, while they wade in my shallow end. I walk away calmly, when I know I’m being played for a fool. My mind is beautiful, but torturous.

Therefore, if I fall weak in your arms, if you have to wipe away tears, or console me…you should know…you have me. You have all of me…every little bit…even the parts I don’t like. Vulnerability is not my strong point, but I sure would love to be free of this armor, indefinitely. I just can’t. Not until I have that one person fully and them, me. It just so happens, the instances in which that has happened, we were on completely different timelines.

It's time...

Bits of it sit like a brick on my chest. That’s just the kind of person I am. Romanticism in every pore. Sentiments are everything. They’ve always been.

It is not until I’m pushed to the brink, teetering, and staring down at the lifeless land below….that I finally push back. Push and run. Push right past the one backing me into the dead end.
“Never look back.” I always do, but never as I’m running. Not until I’m far enough away, so no one sees. You’ll never see me think twice when it comes down to this. You’ll never see me cry. You’ll never know the things I miss after I say goodbye.

Burn me once, twice…ten times, shame on me, finally. Maybe it’s because I’m hopeful. Maybe I put too much faith in people. I see the good…or…want to. I expect the light to beat the dark. Comic book heroes and fairytale love affairs. That’s what we’ve been taught our entire lives. Unrealistic expectations.

“You’re so strong.” Strength does not come without a price. Mine is that of a widower. It is painful to let go, but holding on is pure torture. So, I let it all go. I let you go. I let your inabilities and apathy go. I let my insecurities and resentment go. And when you cross my mind, I will not think of what led me here…what could have been…what should have been. I will only think of what was and smile through the tears. I’ll find peace in knowing I loved myself enough to walk away, when you didn’t love me at all.

I am consoled by the notion of opening myself up to finding someone else that will.