Perfect...

Sometimes the most simplistic lyrics can be more profound than poetry. Raw emotion, even as a cover. It’s perfect. Goosebumps.

(Don’t judge me)

The fixer....

Inside My Mind: Foolish Reveries: Lay with me in the meadows, by the countryside. Grace my ears with your soothing lullabies. Read to me while I rest, encased in the warmth...

Came across the original hand written version of this while cleaning/organizing. June 25, 2003. 20 years old with everything in front of me, while my life was just beginning. I’d do so much, so differently. Or so I’d like to think.

I’ve made so many wrong decisions. Still I have the same vision. Still I have an open wound. An unfilled void. They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, while expecting different results. I question my sanity then, I suppose.

While I am the fixer, I suppose I’m always looking for my savior. Someone to be a me, for me. Selfish, though I’m often selfless. Just once, I’d like to get what I give. My mind is moving into the house of old….where there is no choice but to give up the foolish reveries. Let it all go. Let the cold return, to fill the vacancy. Alone. It’s where I belong. It’s where I’ve always been, even in the days of mates.

Overall

That moment when you realize you’ve grown numb. You don’t get upset anymore. You don’t cry anymore. You just exist. You just feel done. Overwhelmed. Exhausted. Ready to throw in the towel. Almost…..not quite….but you know it’s coming.

That’s a sad moment.

Indecorum

This is not for sport; to pass the time
No trophies here to display and shine
Simple is intricate, pure is tainted
In the break, it’s the same picture painted
So who cares if the canvas is not bare?
Shade…smear…splatter…reveal the beauty in despair.
No one here has a clean palette
Some just pretend and choose not to fret
Quite a bit of wrong has seduced my right
I was armored and lost at first sight
A blind eye upon pursuit of forbidden desire
Tongue tied tales of omission still make for a liar
I am the creator of the scandal frowned upon
I cannot defend that which I have done
Never before, have I betrayed my disposition
It was for more than just a mindless proposition
Is it true that all is fair in love and war?
Because I know exactly what I’m falling and fighting for
I’m not fighting for the satisfaction of winning
I’m not deceiving for the sheer joy of sinning
Wage…engage… I’m battle ready for the heart
Because mine, hasn’t been mine, from the start

Find the happy...

Never put your happiness in someone else’s hands. Learn to make yourself happy.

A lesson that still has not been learned. Happiness has only ever felt like snap shots. Like one good day out of one hundred bad ones.

Medicated. Same snap shot…with a dimmer flash effect.

I wish I had a crystal ball....

If only letting go and getting over someone, was as quick and painless as falling for them.

Delusional

“And all I want is to save you, honey. Or the strength to walk away.”

5am. Why? Not at all sure.

"It’s draining all of me

Oh they find it hard to believe

I’ll be wearing these scars

For everyone to see"

...never the same song.

Midday Thoughts

Silence personified
Dr. Jekyll
Mr. Hyde
My comfort
My torment
Quiet
And deafening
In this moment
Anxiety
Tonight
Serenity
Please…
Stay with me
Weather the storm
Hold on
Just a little longer

Another one...

“Falling’s not the problem. When I’m falling, I’m at ease. It’s only when I hit the ground, that causes all the grief.”

….this is the bottom….

So proud

Who's a proud momma? Me! That's who! Sam scored a 132 on her IQ Test and is in the 98th percentile. They want to move her into the accelerated program next year. However, this means switching schools.... AGAIN. I explained everything to her and told her it was her decision. After all she's been through this year..   forcing her into something like this is not on my agenda. Sam's response: "I'll think about it. The answer will probably be yes. I want to learn as much as I can, even if it means leaving my friends." So damn proud right now.

Unfinished, but Finished

You told me I never loved you
Simply because I went away
That couldn’t possibly be more untrue
I know I loved you
Because for far too long, I stayed

…..Just the beginning of a new piece. I missed you tonight for the first time in many months. I’m not sure why….human nature….I suppose. I think a broken bond with anyone leaves us all a little empty and broken. I pushed every emotion so far away as not to give back in…. it was bound to hit me eventually. I’ll still never go back. Only forward without you….
….I haven’t the heart to finish this tonight.

Old Hat

The looking glass exhibits apparitions in her eyes
Distant portraits of those that haunt her heart
Permanently painted inside of her mind
Forced out by reflection in seclusion
Reminiscent notions leave her hollow
And searching through the conclusions
Looking for failure’s explanation
Which, she fears she’ll never find
The memories are for keeps
They remain close to her soul and are bittersweet
With a smile on her face and her head hung low, she weeps
Tears for every ache; the should have, the could have and did
For every broken heart not her own and the ones that hid
She is sentimental and delicate, yet cynical and calloused
The fortress in which she hides is desolate, but safe
Locked away, restrained by her own devices
The loneliness causes a panic in her chest
She tries to rest, but is heavy hearted
Brooding over lovers current and departed
So desperate to be more than just adored
To find everything she’s been looking for
She sees through rose colored glasses
When one stands out from the masses
And there is always just that one
Who will pull the thread and watch her come undone
It’s like a gunshot to the head when the seams tear
In that moment, she lies lifeless and bare
Every time, her strength breathes life into her lungs
She gets up and undoes the undone
She wears the exit wound scars like armor
But often she is too quick to lay down her weapon
Her involvement with anyone…anymore…is bipolar
And she is anything but complacent…now and likely…forevermore

Inked

It wasn't a choose your own adventure book. You couldn't cheat by going back, to select a different choice. It was not written in pencil; you couldn't erase the mistakes, then pretend they never happened. It is a novel, covered in ink and published for the public. Anyone reading the story, knew how it would end. It was all there, in the foreshadows. Anyone passing it along, is only telling a folklore version. Only the writers know it's fact and fiction. Everything else is perception. Everything else is what we want you to think.