Curtain Call

I’ve never had the delusion of becoming rich, or famous. I never did it for recognition or local popularity. I never let sex sell the art, but gave sex appeal it’s place within. Praise on performance, creativity, and choreography has always been an amazing feeling. While praise for the aesthetically pleasing qualities, has always meant so little to me. I never needed to be in the limelight. All I ever wanted to do was produce a show that would blow their minds and help water the community.

None of what this is, is what I once envisioned and strived for. Jaded people, creative differences, personal differences, third party restrictions….so many fights to constantly be fought throughout the years. Tired of muddling through to merely stay afloat, rather than having the opportunity to reach the full potential I once saw within the entity.

I am no longer here for myself. At all. I’m here for everyone else. Having the guts to pull the curtain is difficult, when it feels like you’re trying to get out of a long-term, mechanical relationship. Driven now by comfort and routine, verses passion and love, as it once was. At one time, it may have been an issue of identity and not wanting to let go. Now, it’s purely an issue of outgrowing the relationship and not knowing how.

Bleed it out...

It's time...

Bits of it sit like a brick on my chest. That’s just the kind of person I am. Romanticism in every pore. Sentiments are everything. They’ve always been.

It is not until I’m pushed to the brink, teetering, and staring down at the lifeless land below….that I finally push back. Push and run. Push right past the one backing me into the dead end.
“Never look back.” I always do, but never as I’m running. Not until I’m far enough away, so no one sees. You’ll never see me think twice when it comes down to this. You’ll never see me cry. You’ll never know the things I miss after I say goodbye.

Burn me once, twice…ten times, shame on me, finally. Maybe it’s because I’m hopeful. Maybe I put too much faith in people. I see the good…or…want to. I expect the light to beat the dark. Comic book heroes and fairytale love affairs. That’s what we’ve been taught our entire lives. Unrealistic expectations.

“You’re so strong.” Strength does not come without a price. Mine is that of a widower. It is painful to let go, but holding on is pure torture. So, I let it all go. I let you go. I let your inabilities and apathy go. I let my insecurities and resentment go. And when you cross my mind, I will not think of what led me here…what could have been…what should have been. I will only think of what was and smile through the tears. I’ll find peace in knowing I loved myself enough to walk away, when you didn’t love me at all.

I am consoled by the notion of opening myself up to finding someone else that will.

Perfect...

Sometimes the most simplistic lyrics can be more profound than poetry. Raw emotion, even as a cover. It’s perfect. Goosebumps.

(Don’t judge me)

Goodbye Letter

Hello Father.
How are you?
Never-mind, I don't care.
I only have one reason for writing you today.
I am saying goodbye.
Yes, that's right.
I am done with you.
God knows I have waited for you.
Waited for you to call....
for you to make amends....
for you to keep a promise for once.
Well, I am saying goodbye to all of your lies....
to all of your false promises....
and to your lack of concern.
I will NOT cry even ONE more tear for you, I refuse.
I am tired of you jumping in and out of my life when it is convenient for YOU.
Don't bother.
Just leave me alone, completely.
Don't worry, I am doing just fine without you.
I have a step-dad that is twice the father than YOU have EVER been.
Oh, that's right, you NEVER worry about me anyway.
You will never know what you have done to me.
So sad.
The one man in the whole world that should love me endlessly, does not even care enough to call.
I have been hurt many, many times, but NO ONE has ever made me feel so unloved.
That's the ONE thing you ARE good at.
Thank God for Mom, without her, who knows where I would be now.
Do you know what is even sadder than that.
I cannot think of ONE good memory of you.
I swear, not one.
You have missed out on so much.
I have grown into a fine young women.
With no thanks to you of course.
I have tried various times to make amends with you, but you just do not care.
So now, I am writing YOU off.
This WILL BE the last time I acknowledge your existence.

Are you hurt now?
Are you crying?
Ha, I highly doubt it.
BUT, if you are...GOOD.
NOW, you feel HALF of what I have felt everyday of my life.
And NOW, I do not care.
Goodbye Pete.

P.S. Call Grandma. She cries on the phone every time we talk, because you don't call or visit her. It's bad enough you are a dead beat dad, but Grandma does not deserve to be treated the way you treat me.