Late night ramblings...

It’s all quite amusing really. I’ve been spending some time thinking about what I want in another person, as far as a potential relationship goes.

I remember being 19 or so, having conversation after conversation with new and allegedly, interesting people. It was always late and if it was early, it was because it was late. Coffee shop talks or internet chats…the content would eventually veer down the same road. What do you look for in someone you want to date?

It’s a legit question, I suppose, but why do we ask and get asked this question? Is it so we can tailor ourselves properly to meet the minimum requirements of the person we are interested in? Or is this a quick shot to a compatibility view to see if we are wasting our time?

I never was big on 20 questions. Conversation is meant to be natural. Chemistry is meant to be primal. Compatibility is meant to be learned. Instinctual. Slow. Without force.

Yet, I sit and laugh at how different then is from now. I remember rambling off adjectives, as if I were placing an order: I’ll have tall dark and handsome with honesty, passion, similar interests, a sense of humor and intelligence. Can you hold the lies, bullshit, jealousy and anger issues, please? Oh! And can you add side of spontaneity?

I have encountered, both meaningless and life changing, relationships since. It seems knowing what I want, has been learned from experiencing what I don’t want. In the end….I suppose all of the same adjectives still apply, but it feels so much deeper than that now.

I want a relationship with someone that will be my best friend and lover. I want them to make those adjectives up there, turn into actions. I want to visit the variety and exploration with them, but live in the everyday and the usual. Grow and learn together. Accept one another for who we are and what is important to us. Build each other up, never tear each other down. Go to events we dislike or hate, without a fight and with a smile, because it makes the other person happy. I want to have conversations that blow my mind and laugh at childish jokes. I want to play video games together and go out to fancy dinners. I want someone I can’t imagine life without, but can handle space from one another. Attack problems open and honestly to avoid miscommunication. Equals on all levels. Never fear telling the other person what you actually think or feel…mutual understanding and acceptance. Compromise. Support and enhance each other in every way, shape and form. Love selflessly and always with the other’s best intentions in mind.

I can’t possibly state every scenario, every characteristic, adjective…. Something like what I’m looking for…just…is. It’s a chemistry click, formation of a relationship, growth and then an investment of your time and heart. All to find out if it’s everything you’ve ever wanted….flaws and all.

In the past, what I have felt for someone has steered me away from my desired attributes of a relationship. I can only suspect, that’s why those ones have ended. I won’t settle. I won’t force the circle peg in the square hole (although I may try once or twice…just to be positive it doesn’t fit). It doesn’t have to be picture perfect, but it has to be perfect for me and for them.

It's time...

Bits of it sit like a brick on my chest. That’s just the kind of person I am. Romanticism in every pore. Sentiments are everything. They’ve always been.

It is not until I’m pushed to the brink, teetering, and staring down at the lifeless land below….that I finally push back. Push and run. Push right past the one backing me into the dead end.
“Never look back.” I always do, but never as I’m running. Not until I’m far enough away, so no one sees. You’ll never see me think twice when it comes down to this. You’ll never see me cry. You’ll never know the things I miss after I say goodbye.

Burn me once, twice…ten times, shame on me, finally. Maybe it’s because I’m hopeful. Maybe I put too much faith in people. I see the good…or…want to. I expect the light to beat the dark. Comic book heroes and fairytale love affairs. That’s what we’ve been taught our entire lives. Unrealistic expectations.

“You’re so strong.” Strength does not come without a price. Mine is that of a widower. It is painful to let go, but holding on is pure torture. So, I let it all go. I let you go. I let your inabilities and apathy go. I let my insecurities and resentment go. And when you cross my mind, I will not think of what led me here…what could have been…what should have been. I will only think of what was and smile through the tears. I’ll find peace in knowing I loved myself enough to walk away, when you didn’t love me at all.

I am consoled by the notion of opening myself up to finding someone else that will.