The fixer....

Inside My Mind: Foolish Reveries: Lay with me in the meadows, by the countryside. Grace my ears with your soothing lullabies. Read to me while I rest, encased in the warmth...

Came across the original hand written version of this while cleaning/organizing. June 25, 2003. 20 years old with everything in front of me, while my life was just beginning. I’d do so much, so differently. Or so I’d like to think.

I’ve made so many wrong decisions. Still I have the same vision. Still I have an open wound. An unfilled void. They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, while expecting different results. I question my sanity then, I suppose.

While I am the fixer, I suppose I’m always looking for my savior. Someone to be a me, for me. Selfish, though I’m often selfless. Just once, I’d like to get what I give. My mind is moving into the house of old….where there is no choice but to give up the foolish reveries. Let it all go. Let the cold return, to fill the vacancy. Alone. It’s where I belong. It’s where I’ve always been, even in the days of mates.

Overall

That moment when you realize you’ve grown numb. You don’t get upset anymore. You don’t cry anymore. You just exist. You just feel done. Overwhelmed. Exhausted. Ready to throw in the towel. Almost…..not quite….but you know it’s coming.

That’s a sad moment.

Indecorum

This is not for sport; to pass the time
No trophies here to display and shine
Simple is intricate, pure is tainted
In the break, it’s the same picture painted
So who cares if the canvas is not bare?
Shade…smear…splatter…reveal the beauty in despair.
No one here has a clean palette
Some just pretend and choose not to fret
Quite a bit of wrong has seduced my right
I was armored and lost at first sight
A blind eye upon pursuit of forbidden desire
Tongue tied tales of omission still make for a liar
I am the creator of the scandal frowned upon
I cannot defend that which I have done
Never before, have I betrayed my disposition
It was for more than just a mindless proposition
Is it true that all is fair in love and war?
Because I know exactly what I’m falling and fighting for
I’m not fighting for the satisfaction of winning
I’m not deceiving for the sheer joy of sinning
Wage…engage… I’m battle ready for the heart
Because mine, hasn’t been mine, from the start

Find the happy...

Never put your happiness in someone else’s hands. Learn to make yourself happy.

A lesson that still has not been learned. Happiness has only ever felt like snap shots. Like one good day out of one hundred bad ones.

Medicated. Same snap shot…with a dimmer flash effect.

I wish I had a crystal ball....

If only letting go and getting over someone, was as quick and painless as falling for them.

Delusional

“And all I want is to save you, honey. Or the strength to walk away.”

5am. Why? Not at all sure.

"It’s draining all of me

Oh they find it hard to believe

I’ll be wearing these scars

For everyone to see"

...never the same song.

Midday Thoughts

Silence personified
Dr. Jekyll
Mr. Hyde
My comfort
My torment
Quiet
And deafening
In this moment
Anxiety
Tonight
Serenity
Please…
Stay with me
Weather the storm
Hold on
Just a little longer

Another one...

“Falling’s not the problem. When I’m falling, I’m at ease. It’s only when I hit the ground, that causes all the grief.”

….this is the bottom….

So proud

Who's a proud momma? Me! That's who! Sam scored a 132 on her IQ Test and is in the 98th percentile. They want to move her into the accelerated program next year. However, this means switching schools.... AGAIN. I explained everything to her and told her it was her decision. After all she's been through this year..   forcing her into something like this is not on my agenda. Sam's response: "I'll think about it. The answer will probably be yes. I want to learn as much as I can, even if it means leaving my friends." So damn proud right now.