Timing is Everything

I’ve been forced to be strong, my entire life. I’m quite proud of who it has made me, actually. However, it leaves me lonely. A strong, smart woman, with a ton of life experience…makes for a very, very real, reality. It makes happiness and satisfaction in love, difficult. It makes “all or nothing” the only option. It makes each decision, an analytical escapade. It makes for a heavy heart, with each bond that has fallen apart.

So, I remain within the void…in the black hole purgatory. I smile and laugh, when I want to cry. I go out and keep busy, when I don’t want to get out of my bed. I make a happy memory, when I am incredibly sad. I dive deep into another’s ocean, while they wade in my shallow end. I walk away calmly, when I know I’m being played for a fool. My mind is beautiful, but torturous.

Therefore, if I fall weak in your arms, if you have to wipe away tears, or console me…you should know…you have me. You have all of me…every little bit…even the parts I don’t like. Vulnerability is not my strong point, but I sure would love to be free of this armor, indefinitely. I just can’t. Not until I have that one person fully and them, me. It just so happens, the instances in which that has happened, we were on completely different timelines.

My Decree

I released my grasp tonight.
Ever ending the stride between you and I.
The emotional knot in my gut swings from a noosed rope.
Upon your excuses and lies, I will no longer choke.
I watch as my feelings for you slowly die.
Even the anger and resentment subside.
Closing my ears to your every word.
This time it's truly over; rest assured.

My eyes shall no longer shed razorblades for you.
Though I can only try to keep the words I write, from being crude.
For as dim as the light may become, I can't deny, the fire will forever reside.
At best, I must restrain the blazing flames from scorching my insides.
You...you are the reason I push so many away.
It is because of you, I cannot trust what they proclaim.

Tonight I placed my heart in an iron box.
Secured it tight with chains and locks.
I placed the box within a casket.
Buried it deep beneath the earth's gasket.
I find it be fitting there, in no man's land.
Far from the destruction of lover's hands.
Maybe one day someone will come along, holding the key.
Ready and willing to unearth the box and rescue me.

Overlooked Spirit

We lay here beneath the sapphire sky, where our hearts are forever outspoken.
The moon illuminates the heavens perfectly, as does the glow of the fire upon your face.

Our eyes fix themselves upon the stars as we speak of theories and beliefs.
The fire calms, autumn chills bring me closer to your warmth.

Your eyes target mine while your lips move slightly...sound does not follow.
Hesitation allows silence to crash our conversation.

Do not say it...I know you, I know what you are thinking...please keep it to yourself.
Do not verbalize the feelings you sense tonight, because tomorrow they will vanish.

I know you are not in love with me...do not ruin this night by questioning that.
There wouldn't be inquiries or doubts to ponder, if you loved me.

Your indecisive charades are more than just tearing me apart.
I am constantly sinking in the torment of you.

Oblivion must have stolen your sight, since the pain has painted itself upon my face.
You finish my sentences, yet are blind to all emotions exemplified towards you.

Do not look at me with such intensity; it only fills my heart with hope.
Do not come too close; I promise I will crumble in your hands.

You have no right to wonder why I am not in your arms tonight.
It is you, who continues to build the walls of your heart's fortress.

My soul lied within each attempt made to express my love for you.
Unappreciated efforts followed by unemotional reactions.

You wish to dismiss loneliness, yet love seems to be an unbearable hell.
I never knew the devil would give the world to see you smile.

Do not speak of sentiments now; it is much too late.
Do not reach for me now that I'm gone; I am too far away.

It is impossible; you just cannot love with one foot already outside the doorway.
Consequently, this passionate persona no longer holds vacancy for common tepid creatures.

I gave myself to you entirely, only to gain mirrored measures of disregard.
How heart wrenching it is to love someone so significantly, who feels nothing in return.

I cannot allow my overlooked spirit to revel in this non-existent romance any longer.
No more mazes or hurdles, at this moment, please know my love has been revoked.