You...

You twist my realities and consume my sanity.

...get out of my head.

To be inside his mind...

Number one:

I am finally done; my ego has gotten the best of me. Bright eyes, lust, attraction...things that consume me and also others. My pride and vanity, well hidden even to myself. I attract, I obtain, then I let go. Out of spite, jealousy, or ignorance...they come back, But as soon as they go or make that move...I get angry, frustrated...I am sooo selfish. I deserve it all, I need to let go...and I will. I am an object of lust and obsession, I really don't think I want it any other way. "...and god gave me sex appeal..." one of my favorite quotes. As well as "scratch and scrape this heavenly body". That's how I am and feel; I am worthless otherwise. Attachment and emotion are not my thing. Use me, abuse me...that's the way I like it. I am the world's whore, as long as you have the time and the money.

Number two:

Take this in...
Stare helplessly, in anger, in betrayal...but we never part. We hate as much as love lets us. Take it in...on my bed...so dirty as the soul I wear. Used and abused, the walls scream many tales. The lining holds the DNA of past, present and fears for the future. I take in your disease; you feel my virus? Die with me.
How many more will submit to punishment?
I often ask myself daily...hourly...fuck this...every second flesh upon flesh...the bearing of one's soul, open like the whore's legs. I can feel you; understand you...does that scare you? I often laugh at the fact that, I know you better than you know yourself. I am you...I absorb you...take you in...as you take this in.
My Love...
As I make your feel this love...this love like a touch, a grace of god...this embodiment of flesh...scratch and scrape this heavenly body..."every inch of willing skin".
Victim...
You? Fuck you! Me; more like I was one. I was led...misunderstood me...wished for more, you asked for it...I gave into temptation. You brought this upon me...could I want more? Do I sit here now dwelling on this? If not, why would I be writing?  Who am I anyway? Who did this to me? Could I dare blame anyone, but myself? Don't ask me; I don't know...nor should you care.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Oh my darling...in such twisted ways, your mind works. I should have taken it all as a warning. I think I did and just ignored it. Maybe they weren't loud enough. What the fuck is wrong with me?! Reading them...only made me more intrigued...I think. You so boldly put yourself out there, leading each of us to believe you to be so damaged, but honest...and real. Simply selfish; admittedly so. Lie right through your teeth, even after you're caught, to harness that selfishness. So much truth in the names your bury your sin in...my Fallen Angyl. Some say you're foolish. I say you are simply and ingenious mastermind. Manipulating the putty in your hands, to form your slaves. Even the clever ones, as knowing as I, submit themselves to you. I have. At times, I still desire to...but I am smarter than you...I will not die with you.

The truth in black and white, finally. Damn you. No, me. I should have known. I think I did know. Self loathing...I want to come back so badly...but I cannot indulge myself in you. "An object of lust and obsession"....couldn't be more true. I swore you showed me more though. I'm sure they did too. Like a game maybe...which one of us wins? ...or loses for that matter? Just lust. Lust wins and ruins. Still...I can't help but feel that somewhere inside of you, beneath all the wreckage of the damage....there is a genuine soul. Delicate. Hiding. How I wish I'd been graced by your introduction before then.

Our arrangement was so simplistic...all you had to do was tell the truth. Frustrated now, as you always are, when the truth finds you. Let the wounds scab over. Heal. Head first. Maybe then you'll change your mind. For, unveiled masses of skin in the twilight, will never fill the void in your life. Trust me...I know.

...I could have.

This is my rant...my rage. It may never come across your sight. If it does, you'll likely not care.
...Maybe I should arrange it so.  Closure? Maybe.

Sadly Mistaken...

The beautiful one, my Fallen Angyl...look upon the murderous things you have done. False truth behind your eyes, incredible passion beneath your skin. I took in your virus and every malicious sin. I must admit, within moments of lust, I felt my heart awaken. Left with your disease scratching at my brain, eating away at my flesh. Oh...I was so sadly mistaken.

Sleep doesn't want me...

I really wish I could sleep right now, but I cannot. Instead, I'm here, wasting my thoughts on the worthless one. That boy really knows how to sucker you in, then spit you out. I often wonder how I see such beauty in such evil beings. Ah, but my eyes of deceive me. Having a dark side is somehow so eccentric and intriguing, I can't help myself. Being purely evil though....

I'm growing colder. I've already grown so weary of love of all it's games. I do not want to be a numb, cold, heartless bitch...but "hate's evil aide invades my insides. I fear, that by the time I find someone worth loving, I will be far too blinded by my anger and resentment, to see it. 

Eh...if I write anymore...it's only going to be more mindless rambling....

Hideously Beautiful

March 18, 2003

Three hours plus, into this day, home now from our "visit".

Oh, how the midnight shadows fell upon his face, so exquisite.
Toxic hearts as open as my legs wrapped tightly around his form.
I laid in the comfort of ten million feathered pillows, unadorned.
Daggers fell from the walls with distinct intent...to be intimate...with my flesh.
His warmth inside me, flawlessly, repeatedly into me...enmeshed.
Tonight, I designed my own death...murderous weapons of lust...I disengaged.
Upon this encounter, I pained the beating of broken hearts enraged.
Unlike the soulless icy pleasures of yesterdays, blood ran hot, through my veins.
Flames inside my chest, a slight pulsating...revitalized from my own disdain.
From his eyes, I cannot hide...he will be the end of me, I cannot abide.
I do not want this, not like this...for it will end with a letter of suicide.
For my thoughts already captured by his innate beauty.
I center my attention about him as if he were an artless deity.
Thoughts, rhythms and rhymes jumbled in my head.
I cannot comprehend that of which has been unsaid.
Lucid dreams of reality exclude the slightest impossibilities.
Within my mind...I find mystified visions of fantasy...he has consumed my sanity.
I lay in bed now, dying to know...to know the secrets he hides inside.
Scratching the walls and biting my nails, attempting to decipher truth from lies.
The time is near...and so I fear...I will come to find my uncertainties ring true.
Make it quick...so that I can get...over it...before my logic fades and desires accrue.

March 24, 2003

7:51 in the morning now, home from the club and still awake.

Ah tonight...tonight the masquerade came to a deafening end...exposing you as fake.
Thought you could inch your way into my mind and blind me from the truth.
Have your way with me...use me...abuse me...until you were through.
Thought you could wrap your charming chains around my throat.
Make me your slave like those before me you have choked.
Far too close you came, my dear...but my intellect transcends your own.
You hide behind elaborate, pretentious cloaks…those of which cannot be condoned.
Foolish man…assumed you slaughtered me with a single stroke of the sword you drew.
I have freed myself from you...there are more...there is better...I do not need you.
You have climbed far too high upon that pedestal of yours, darling.
Descend now, for you will have thy own hand to blame for your imperial falling.
Show me no pity, for I would have given you every last diamond in the sky.
Been your savior...the one to heal your wounds, answer your cries...give you wings to fly.
Rid your heart of cold; remind you of love, lift you up...make life less intolerable.
My beloved...you are so divinely wicked...despicable, yet beyond admirable.
Visions of you brand themselves on my brain…spoken words still embedded within in my head.
I wish you away...could I only cast you out...but inside me, you will live, even after my blood is shed.
I cannot force fault upon anyone but myself, for I had already figured you out.
I envisioned this...my heart gorged from my chest...upon the floor...bleeding about.
Oh, my fiendish Lucifer, you stole my soul, leaving me as bleak and bitter as you.
The scrapes are scabbing over, but the scars will remain forever...tattooed. 

Fallen Angyl

Divine flesh beneath my nails and in my teeth.
Passion fills the air, so thick I can barely breathe.
Unveiled masses of skin in simultaneous motion.
Illustrating, mocking portraits of true emotion.

Strangely, this is known in acceptance.
Not even the slightest thought of repentance.
Maybe there is, for the words did surge from my hand.
Within dark corners of myself, I admit fear of this man.

For, a beautiful soul hides inside.
That, not even he, himself can deny.
Why must I always scratch at the exterior?
Digging and digging until I find the innermost core.

Damn the senseless bitch that hurt him so.
Condemn her to a life of anguish for turning him cold.
It is because of her, I do not want to feel for him.
I do not want to get too close to take him in.

The fear of falling taunts me consistently.
Slaughter all sentiments now, before they demolish me.
This is...what it is...and nothing more.
For, I know I will never be the one, whom he adores.

Inside THEIR minds

I know all the right moves...all the right games to play.
I know how to get what I want and how to make you stay.

I exploit the kindhearted, sensitive role.
Once you trust, I will take control.

Passionately, I look deep into your eyes.
Obliviously, you see truth in my lies.

You say you have heard all my lines before.
I will convince you that I am so much more.

I kiss your forehead and softly stoke your hair.
You think my actions show how sincerely I care.

Naive little girl, you will never know.
Your blind eyes see only what I wish to show.

All the sweet things I whisper in your ear,
I know it is exactly what you want to hear.

"I am an honest man; please put your faith in me."
"I promise not to lie...I promise not to deceive."

"I need you to open your heart to me...do not be afraid."
"I would never hurt you, believe me, this is not a charade."

"I vow to love you baby, more with each passing day."
"You are the only one for me; I swear to never go astray."

In that instant, hard and quick, you fall and submit.
The devil himself, could not design a plan this perfect.

Slowly you see, I am not at all, what I claimed to be.
You cry and wonder why you still love me.

I have captured your heart along with your body and soul.
I have surrendered nothing and have left you cold.

You can try to get over it and move on.
Still, I will linger within you, long after I am gone.

The Palace

Taste the bitterness, as fury escapes my lips.
My tongue, you will no longer hear.
Last chance you will have to fold your ears.

Watch the concrete doors, as they close forever.
You were the last to enter.
None will come thereafter.

Listen to the guards, as they laugh at your endeavors.
Your welcome has been depleted.
You have won; I have been defeated.

Feel my pain, as you see my bleeding heart on display.
Remember you were last to strike, before internal eruption.
You were the breaking point of my destruction.

Breathe in the stench of decay, as I lie in the dungeon.
Warn the others to stay far away from my vindictive lair.
My sullen soul dares not to love, wishes not to care.



I taste the cherry waters, as I sink in animosity.
Ambulant currents devoured my faith in humanity.
The vines along the walls, stole my individuality.

I watch those I know, as I laugh mirthlessly.
For they tolerate love's malevolent ways.
Meanwhile, I lie resting in desolate caves.
                    
I listen to their pleas, as they pray I live not in loathing.
Disgust swallowed me entirely, down to my very core.
It is far too late; do not bother praying for me anymore.

I feel hate's evil aide, invading my insides.
My strength has corroded slowly, with each love-shed tear.
I face darkness now; too diluted and meek to battle its wicked sneer.

I breathe in the odor of my own fear, for this was never my intention.
I desired only to be loved for all that I am, and everything I exemplify.
But eyes do not immerse into others as profoundly as mine. 

One Last Time

Take my hand one last time.
Look at me with old eyes.
Tell me everything will be okay.
Say you're not going to leave me this way.

Lay with me outside one last time.
Speak to me with no lies.
Tell me you have always cared.
Say you'll remember the times we've shared.

Make me smile one last time.
Remind me that with laughter, sorrow dies.
Tell me your comic role has just begun.
Say there are millions of laughs still to come.

Hold me in your arms one last time.
Promise me you will never say goodbye.
Tell me amity resides, though our love has died.
Say you'll stay by my side, without feeling obliged.

Comfort me one last time.
Wipe the tears from my cheek as I cry.
Tell me I have lost only a lover, not my best friend.
Say "one last time" is irrelevant since we are far from the end.

Trust in Instinct

Gorgeous eyes, painted with the oceans' sheerest hues.
Brilliant smile; capable of lightening the deepest dark blues.
Free spirited as if the world had no control.
Beyond humane; truly a compassionate soul.
Dreams like fire, you burn with ambition.
Boundless intellect, infused with great intuition.
Strong views and beliefs account for interesting conversation.
Your words rise above shallow waters and offer great stimulation.

Diverse man; you satisfy my incessant need for variety.
Even so, mysterious aspects instill me with curiosity.
Entirely taken by you...all that you are...all you long to be.
I see a man with a genuine core, yet my eyes often deceive me.
Unable to turn away, in hopes all this may be true.
So now, I must trust in instinct and open my heart to you.
Eliminating the walls, I completely lay myself on the line.
Please be cautious though, for parts of me remain lost in time.