Curtain Call

I’ve never had the delusion of becoming rich, or famous. I never did it for recognition or local popularity. I never let sex sell the art, but gave sex appeal it’s place within. Praise on performance, creativity, and choreography has always been an amazing feeling. While praise for the aesthetically pleasing qualities, has always meant so little to me. I never needed to be in the limelight. All I ever wanted to do was produce a show that would blow their minds and help water the community.

None of what this is, is what I once envisioned and strived for. Jaded people, creative differences, personal differences, third party restrictions….so many fights to constantly be fought throughout the years. Tired of muddling through to merely stay afloat, rather than having the opportunity to reach the full potential I once saw within the entity.

I am no longer here for myself. At all. I’m here for everyone else. Having the guts to pull the curtain is difficult, when it feels like you’re trying to get out of a long-term, mechanical relationship. Driven now by comfort and routine, verses passion and love, as it once was. At one time, it may have been an issue of identity and not wanting to let go. Now, it’s purely an issue of outgrowing the relationship and not knowing how.

Terrifying....

Nobel discovery opens window onto Alzheimer's disease

It always has and forever will blow my mind; we can figure out every aspect of functionality in the human body…except for the brain. The brain is so complex and unique to an individual, we don’t even know the etiology behind headaches. We’re hardly sure of ourselves, when it comes to the pathophysiology that has been documented. And we’re certainly, lost, when it comes to migraines and cluster headaches.

So, mental illnesses….good luck. Exactly why there’s so much damn trial and error. Neurons “misfire” is how I’ve heard several of the diseases explained. Alzheimer’s and dementia, are lucky to have SOME distinguishing factors, when they actually present diagnostically. The history of treatment for mental illnesses is brutal. Now, they just get shoved in homes and brushed off, while treated to “ease the symptoms”….for everyone else’s sake.

I wish I could have started college directly after high school. Allowing me the time to go to school for the 8 years plus, I originally wanted to. I want to be doing what they’re doing….

Furthermore, this hits home. My deadbeat and my grandfather both had it. The possibility of getting it, scares the ever living shit out of me.

Pragmatic Romantic

For them, it comes easy or not at all
They simply stumble, then fall
Fall into it all, so effortlessly
Love…luck…life; they walk along so blissfully
Complacent with their entire existence
It leaves us, almost…envious
For us, it better come perpetually perplexed
Otherwise, we show a complete lack of interest
We can’t help but inquire and wonder
Pick apart every explanation and blunder
I’m not so sure sometimes, if people like you and I
Are cursed or blessed by what lies within our minds
This insatiable appetite causes us to grow restless
Jumping in, head first, into anything that hints at this so-called bliss
But alas, we can only turn a blind eye in short stints
Until we question every single thing and the authenticity of it
I’m not even sure you are here, where I am
Maybe it’s just my head, conjuring up something meaningful again

"My love has concrete feet..."

Things like this. This is why my heart is heavy. I need to unload a few pounds now, so I can sleep.
Sometimes I think….I must sound so self righteous to others. So full of conceit, when I explain what I refer to as, “my curse”. The Fixer. The stepping stone. The scapegoat. However many other names, I’ve referred to myself as. It cannot be coincidence, that the two most important relationships of my life, were with men that bare so much in common. They are not the only ones to hold on and say these kinds of things, but they’ve certainly held on the longest.

It’s maddening….when you give someone everything you have and they simply try to take more….rather than trying to give you a part of themselves. I was very much in love on both occasions. What I feel will never be fully understood, is this:

Venomous acts of cruelty, spawned from insecurity, selfishness and jealousy…..WILL eventually eat away at a person. Never sated…it will eat right through to the decaying core. How can a person possibly love anyone else, when they don’t even love themselves anymore. A fine line between love and hate, right? Sort of…yes. It’s not, necessarily, that I ever actually fell out of love. So much as it was, becoming disenchanted with “love”. At the deepest level, every bit of love remained. The day to day brought about the superficial, the resentment, the anger, the fear and so on. Pride, (bless it’s sinful little heart), led to the disdain of being shamed. Know thyself. Know thy value. Bless my overly analytical mind, as well.

By the end of each of these relationships, I felt small. I felt unloved, undesirable and unworthy of anything more. I was saved by youth and distance the first time around. I was saved by experience, the second. I swore I’d never do it again after the first. Pesky wolves in sheep’s clothing. Silly lovesick little girl with the rose colored glasses. She’ll learn eventually. One day she’ll learn to see the fangs behind the smile. Minimally, approach with caution. Stay far enough away, long enough, to gain a headstart, when the smile slips.

I’m not even angry anymore. I’m just sad and perplexed. I should have been able to avoid it the second time around. When I finally realized the similarities….I tried so hard to explain how it would go down. I tried everything to prevent history from repeating itself. I told that wolf the entire fable….every last detail….about the one before him. I told him what I learned about myself. I told him what I learned about wolves. I told him I was unhappy. I even told him I was never going off path for flowers, ever again. It didn’t register. It didn’t click. It was viewed as some kind of scheme.
Little Red Riding Hood was never the liar. She never cried, “Wolf!” She was simply too naïve to escape her impending death in one version and too helpless to save herself in another.

The point is this….I want my knight in armor. Not shining. Dull, old, beat up armor. Shining armor is far too suspicious. There’s no going back to someone that’s been proven a wolf. I need that modern day prince. The one that knows and appreciates what he has, BEFORE it’s gone.

….and for him… I will make him feel like a king everyday. I sure as hell try anyway…..

Timing is Everything

I’ve been forced to be strong, my entire life. I’m quite proud of who it has made me, actually. However, it leaves me lonely. A strong, smart woman, with a ton of life experience…makes for a very, very real, reality. It makes happiness and satisfaction in love, difficult. It makes “all or nothing” the only option. It makes each decision, an analytical escapade. It makes for a heavy heart, with each bond that has fallen apart.

So, I remain within the void…in the black hole purgatory. I smile and laugh, when I want to cry. I go out and keep busy, when I don’t want to get out of my bed. I make a happy memory, when I am incredibly sad. I dive deep into another’s ocean, while they wade in my shallow end. I walk away calmly, when I know I’m being played for a fool. My mind is beautiful, but torturous.

Therefore, if I fall weak in your arms, if you have to wipe away tears, or console me…you should know…you have me. You have all of me…every little bit…even the parts I don’t like. Vulnerability is not my strong point, but I sure would love to be free of this armor, indefinitely. I just can’t. Not until I have that one person fully and them, me. It just so happens, the instances in which that has happened, we were on completely different timelines.

Freedom

Free from the person. From a bad situation. Free from love...from hate. Free from the resentment. Then one day, the last binding tie gets cut. There is anything, but a sense of freedom. There is only sadness for a bond, thought to be boundless.

We grieve the living, so differently than the deceased.

Bleed it out...

This...

Late night ramblings...

It’s all quite amusing really. I’ve been spending some time thinking about what I want in another person, as far as a potential relationship goes.

I remember being 19 or so, having conversation after conversation with new and allegedly, interesting people. It was always late and if it was early, it was because it was late. Coffee shop talks or internet chats…the content would eventually veer down the same road. What do you look for in someone you want to date?

It’s a legit question, I suppose, but why do we ask and get asked this question? Is it so we can tailor ourselves properly to meet the minimum requirements of the person we are interested in? Or is this a quick shot to a compatibility view to see if we are wasting our time?

I never was big on 20 questions. Conversation is meant to be natural. Chemistry is meant to be primal. Compatibility is meant to be learned. Instinctual. Slow. Without force.

Yet, I sit and laugh at how different then is from now. I remember rambling off adjectives, as if I were placing an order: I’ll have tall dark and handsome with honesty, passion, similar interests, a sense of humor and intelligence. Can you hold the lies, bullshit, jealousy and anger issues, please? Oh! And can you add side of spontaneity?

I have encountered, both meaningless and life changing, relationships since. It seems knowing what I want, has been learned from experiencing what I don’t want. In the end….I suppose all of the same adjectives still apply, but it feels so much deeper than that now.

I want a relationship with someone that will be my best friend and lover. I want them to make those adjectives up there, turn into actions. I want to visit the variety and exploration with them, but live in the everyday and the usual. Grow and learn together. Accept one another for who we are and what is important to us. Build each other up, never tear each other down. Go to events we dislike or hate, without a fight and with a smile, because it makes the other person happy. I want to have conversations that blow my mind and laugh at childish jokes. I want to play video games together and go out to fancy dinners. I want someone I can’t imagine life without, but can handle space from one another. Attack problems open and honestly to avoid miscommunication. Equals on all levels. Never fear telling the other person what you actually think or feel…mutual understanding and acceptance. Compromise. Support and enhance each other in every way, shape and form. Love selflessly and always with the other’s best intentions in mind.

I can’t possibly state every scenario, every characteristic, adjective…. Something like what I’m looking for…just…is. It’s a chemistry click, formation of a relationship, growth and then an investment of your time and heart. All to find out if it’s everything you’ve ever wanted….flaws and all.

In the past, what I have felt for someone has steered me away from my desired attributes of a relationship. I can only suspect, that’s why those ones have ended. I won’t settle. I won’t force the circle peg in the square hole (although I may try once or twice…just to be positive it doesn’t fit). It doesn’t have to be picture perfect, but it has to be perfect for me and for them.

It's time...

Bits of it sit like a brick on my chest. That’s just the kind of person I am. Romanticism in every pore. Sentiments are everything. They’ve always been.

It is not until I’m pushed to the brink, teetering, and staring down at the lifeless land below….that I finally push back. Push and run. Push right past the one backing me into the dead end.
“Never look back.” I always do, but never as I’m running. Not until I’m far enough away, so no one sees. You’ll never see me think twice when it comes down to this. You’ll never see me cry. You’ll never know the things I miss after I say goodbye.

Burn me once, twice…ten times, shame on me, finally. Maybe it’s because I’m hopeful. Maybe I put too much faith in people. I see the good…or…want to. I expect the light to beat the dark. Comic book heroes and fairytale love affairs. That’s what we’ve been taught our entire lives. Unrealistic expectations.

“You’re so strong.” Strength does not come without a price. Mine is that of a widower. It is painful to let go, but holding on is pure torture. So, I let it all go. I let you go. I let your inabilities and apathy go. I let my insecurities and resentment go. And when you cross my mind, I will not think of what led me here…what could have been…what should have been. I will only think of what was and smile through the tears. I’ll find peace in knowing I loved myself enough to walk away, when you didn’t love me at all.

I am consoled by the notion of opening myself up to finding someone else that will.

Comedown Cravings

Needle to the vein
No, please, not again
I don’t want be a junkie
That last dose you gave me
Spun me, just a little too roughly
Got a bad case…so bad I’m shaking…
A bad case of the comedown cravings
So I start trading
One addiction for the next
No time to rest
Have to break free…
Free from the drug imprisoning me
Free from the users
The enablers and abusers
Erase all the places
We’d go to get high
Erase all the faces
That know our lie
Euphoria in your eyes
When I decided to “try”
My skin has thinned
Aged with each binge
That blank stare of misery
Through your eyes
Here lies our reality
Junkies, aren’t we?
Detox is the only way
With or without you I’m afraid
Klonopin kisses just to get by
Taper the dose and try not to fly
When I was sober, I wished I was high
When I was sober I lived a different lie
When I was sober I was beaten for years
He beat me so badly, I ran out of tears
I wish I could save you…I really do
I can’t be your rock, when I’m broken too
…I can barely save myself from you

Night Terrors

It is in the peak of witching hours, as of late
That my consciousness finally fades
Tormented nightly by lifelike imaginings
Too true, too probable, to be called dreams
Strung together nightly, as a series
Every episode more mundane and eerie
Stalked by the stone cold, coal colored eyes
Locked in tight, they searched for our lies
Just as vexing and shameful
As the few times I was wakeful
Those charcoal eyes were so bold
So much more than the actual approach
From then on, they were just a lingering presence
In the background, watchful of every occurrence
Every night I searched this city high and low
Relentless…I never did find you though
You came to me once, not because I cried out
You came to tell your story and disprove my doubt
Your face faded, as quickly as it came
Left me crying and screaming your name

Three feet off the ground, sweltering under the lights
I peered out into the crowd and saw him for the first time
He followed me too, but in focus, unlike the eyes
He tried to mend bridges, while I tried to cut ties
One night, everyone except for you, came in hard like a stampede
Pieces and parts from weeks of grief, shown as a finale
In the chaos, the little one strayed away from me, far
As I broke free, panicked, I saw her near a stranger’s car
I ran and everything else around me just melted
Like a freshly colored canvas facing water damage
Within reach, I extended my arms to take hold of her
My fingers grazed her skin, as my vision became blurred
In a blink, we were wrapped in a tight embrace and safe at home
Sobbing, hardly able to speak, I told her to never again wander off alone

The chain link visions have since ceased
Yet they stay rooted like memories
Replaced in sleep, by surreal nightmares
Waking up nightly, with a sense of terror
My dreams have become so vivid
Even the most bizarre, feels so lucid
It once was forty winks and nothing more
Now I stay awake just to avoid that door

I died last night and didn’t even know
You were the one to tell me so
You were driving on the highway, full speed
We were having an argument; you turned to look at me
I don’t remember how or why we crashed
It all happened way too fast
I crawled out of the broken windshield, onto the hood
You were already out, blank faced you stood
Unharmed, we simply walked away
You wouldn't speak a word and that went on for days
When you finally spoke, you said,
“Don’t you know you’re dead?”
“The car wreck, you died
It’s my fault and I survived
You’re dead god dammit! You…are… dead!
And so are three of your friends
They were in the car I smashed
Forgive me! It was an accident!”
I didn’t believe you, it couldn’t be true
How did everyone die…but you?
You displayed my obituary online
So many sad posts from family and friends of mine

I remembered where we were headed
Virginia Beach, it was so unexpected
I had never been to the ocean, it was a birthday trip
The absolute sweetest thing you ever did
I remember the scenery and smell in the air
The wind whipping through my cotton candy pink hair
Just for a moment, it was so serene
I didn’t even remember why we were arguing
The next thing I knew, I was there, alone
Obscure ebony colored clouds lurked over the waters below
The ocean as dark as a vat of indigo dye
Violent waves roared so high, I swore they touched the sky
As I stood in awe, three bodies were heaved to shore
All three of my friends, there and accounted for
Although, their faces were not their own anymore
Each was guised like Dali’s “Face of War”
I’m not sure how I knew who was who, but I knew
I scanned the desolate sands; no one but the lifeless in view

I ran to the streets, begging and pleading, passersby for help
Every person approached, was nothing more than a mirror image of myself
In the middle of the street, head in hands, I dropped to my knees
Over and over again, rocking, I shrieked, “This can’t be happening!”
One in the crowd, stopped and bent down near me
The fingers upon my shoulder, warmed my entire being
Terrified to see my own reflection again, I hesitated
I looked up into his unfamiliar eyes, my serenity instantly sated
That curious man took my hand, while pointing across the sky and said…very quietly:
“I’ll be waiting…there….in the light…when you’re ready to leave.”

Horrified, I got up from my knees, shaking my head side to side
Hastily, I headed back down to the shoreline
As I approached the corpses, three
There was a shift in the wind and a change in scene
There sat, all of my loved ones, dressed in black
You were there, far from the rest, in the furthest seat back
Tears of remembrance and regret spilled across the funeral home floor
And there you were, as expressionless as you stood once before
That death in your eyes, so much more haunting than my own
So conflicted, choosing to fight or give in, I let out a sorrowful moan
In a room filled with almost everyone I have ever known
Crimson tears fell from my eyes, as I stood there all alone
You couldn’t  hear me, see me, feel me…no one was able to
You were supposed to fight to keep me alive…to keep me with you
Drowning in the despair, I hung my head low
I whispered, “Strange man, I believe I’m ready to go.”