Logically Illogical

Butterflies and smiles.
          Your kiss killed the pain.
Rainbow skies across miles.
          Your touch stopped the rain.
Hopscotch and jump rope.
          You called out the little girl in me.
Sunshine and resurrected hope.
          You took away the lonely.

Passion and lust.
          Insane with a single kiss.
Love and trust.
          I felt it in your fingertips.
Fantasy and reality.
          You summon the mistress within.
Hopes and dreams.
          I share your vivid visions.

Candid and caring.
          Seems unbelievable.
Close without scaring.
          It never happens so.
Affection and devotion.
          I don't recall the last.
Satisfaction an emotion.
          Warm the cold of the past.

Right now and here.
          I sit in a daze.
Instilled with fear.
          You beat the maze.
Terrified and hesitant.
          Too good to be true.
Nagging cognizant.
          Death by you.

Homicide and desolation.
          If it not be.
Loathing and destruction.
          Created by me.
Falling and fading.
          So difficult to restrain.
Heart...are you listening?
          It's vital you overpower brain

Magnum Opus

Painter's hands.
Lover's eyes.
Something amazing
hidden inside.
Just a few hours
on the clock.
Grant them to me.
Undividedly...please.
Curious to see
if my eyes deceive me.
So long since
I've felt this
hunger in the pit
of my stomach.
Churning, swirling.
You make me ache.
I see the passion
in your heart.
And art...
in your bones.
Reveal to me
your masterpiece.
And search for
my mysteries.

Shortfalls and Flaws

Hazel eyes said to mesmerize.
Could kill me, be the end of me.
Standing before her, filled with disgust.
Picking away at each flaw, no matter how small.
Not enough definition within her jaw.
Too much fat beneath the skin.
Her bottom lip swallows the top.
The fore of her head could afford to be a bit smaller.
Even so, the hairline sits too far back on the scalp.
Her nose should be slanted downward slightly further.
It really couldn’t hurt for her to be a touch taller either.
Glaring down upon her as if she were worthless.
She just stands there, staring back.
Primping, prodding, poking and pouting.
It's never enough...it's never perfect...nor will it be.
Trying so desperately...despairingly...to hide the flaws.
Fingers extend, pulling the hair into her face.
Burying herself in glitter, glimmer, glamor and gray.
Artless...not so...but mostly to hide and conceal herself.
Here, the only place her insecurities stripped naked and exposed.
How much she detests the mirror that hangs in her room.
A single tear cuts my cheek when I see her mouth, frame the phrase
..."You are me." 

My Decree

I released my grasp tonight.
Ever ending the stride between you and I.
The emotional knot in my gut swings from a noosed rope.
Upon your excuses and lies, I will no longer choke.
I watch as my feelings for you slowly die.
Even the anger and resentment subside.
Closing my ears to your every word.
This time it's truly over; rest assured.

My eyes shall no longer shed razorblades for you.
Though I can only try to keep the words I write, from being crude.
For as dim as the light may become, I can't deny, the fire will forever reside.
At best, I must restrain the blazing flames from scorching my insides.
You...you are the reason I push so many away.
It is because of you, I cannot trust what they proclaim.

Tonight I placed my heart in an iron box.
Secured it tight with chains and locks.
I placed the box within a casket.
Buried it deep beneath the earth's gasket.
I find it be fitting there, in no man's land.
Far from the destruction of lover's hands.
Maybe one day someone will come along, holding the key.
Ready and willing to unearth the box and rescue me.

My whole world is upsidedown....

Mike Bohatch Image: Portal Guard. Original blurb.

The guard never ceases to loiter about...enclosing the light.

Hovering over the holes of my crux, simply out of spite.

Putrid flavors of blood have filled his watering mouth, too long.

He strives to keep me safe from harm...he keeps me calm.

He meant to decipher divinity from iniquity, but has forgotten how.

...Upon the shoulders of the sentinel within, my fears will lay.

...Those without ulterior motives, never try to reach in anyway.

Thought for the day: I hate people

"I was so relieved to see Davey Havok wearing a VnV Nation shirt, the other day on (insert show here). That means it's okay for me to like AFI then."

What...the...fuck?!?

This is a little coffee shop stalker I have. Labels himself goth. Look's like one of Manson's rejects. Thick, thick, thick....black eye makeup and lipstck. Smells to high heaven. Thinks he has some kind of image or status to uphold. His entire obsession with me is based upon the color of my hair and my looks. He's a twit. I try so hard not to be mean, but it is REALLY hard. He wants to get the word "vanity" tattooed on his chest backwards, so he can read it in the mirror. Ugh. Worry about taking a god damn shower.

Anyway, back to my original point. He's a twit. I can't stand people like that. Tired of everyone trying to prove how goth or punk they are and disprove everyone else. Did you all forget the fucking point of subcultures to begin with? Acceptance. You hate everyone that doesn't look like you or think like you. Good job. Who cares? I can get down with anyone's ideas, beliefs, etc....so long as they are not a.) shoving them down my throat b.) intelligent enough to make sense.

Get a clue. Like what you like, because you like it. Wear what you like, because you like it. Listen to what you like, because you like it. Fuck the trends. Screw everyone else. Be yourself. Stop trying to be something you're not. Stop trying to fit the stereotype, then bitch about being stereotyped. Figure out what your thing is, do it and be comfortable with it. We get one life, live it. If you don't know, take the time to figure it out and get to know yourself. You'll probably be much happier. Educate yourself and get some fucking substance. Most importantly, think before you speak. Trust me, you need to.

P.s. I'm aware of my irony.

-end rant-

One of those days...

Days like this, I have no clue what do with myself. I feel like crying, No real reason. I just wish I could. Seems as though crying would make it better. I just want to lay in bed...do nothing...be nothing...feel nothing.

Angelic_Tears

"If I gave to you, a scarlet rose, would you give me the garden?"

A response:

Angelic_Tears come splashing down,
Burrowing deep within the ground.
From which a scarlet rose has grown.
In a garden she calls her own.
Outside this garden demons race,
To steal the beauty from this place.
Willing to do anything to obtain the prize,
Deceitful plans they have devised.
With eager daggers behind their backs,
They spring upon her in hordes and packs.
While tearing at the Angel's wings,
Lies and blasphemous songs they sing.

From the garden's edge a stranger hears,
The falling of Angelic_Tears.
Without a second thought steps forward,
With a mighty cry draws his sword.
One by one, the demons fall,
Until he had dispatched them all.
His armor now drenched in blood,
From the bodies he cut down where they stood.
The nameless man; the last to stand,
Helps her up with an outstretched hand.

She offers the rose as his reward,
For the great peril he had endured.
The man said, "This thing you ask I can not do,
For the flower's beauty comes from you."
"It will not survive long outside this place,
So far away from your Angelic_Grace."
He touched her face with hands torn and rough,
"For me, this is reward enough."


* A man of great words wrote this for me. Thank you. <3 

Untitled and Unlabeled

They think the darkness will swallow me whole.
Because I'm enraged and deranged I will sell my soul.
Because I'm angst ridden and hidden, I'll eat the bullet.
Just because my finger is on the trigger, doesn't mean I'll pull it.

They believe Satan will feast off my flesh.
Because I've neither proclaimed nor denied religion yet.
Because I'm lost and distraught, I'm damned to hell.
Just because my spirit soars free, doesn't suggest I do what I do solely to rebel.

They feel I can't survive the realism of society.
Because I don't care how the public views me.
Because I look a bit different from the rest.
Just because I look as I do, doesn't imply I'm worthless or senseless.

They see a depressed and sinister soul within my writing.
Because I am obviously, nothing more than the surface they reach.
Because it is easier to judge what one cannot comprehend.
Just because it's more diverse, doesn't give way to offend.

I have never claimed the labels placed upon me.
I am not my material possessions or my money.
I am not my style, my clothes nor my shoes.
I am not the music I enjoy listening to.

This is me...this is who I've grown to be.
In money, I see irrational greed.
In style, I find comfort and security.
In music, I feel inspiration and empathy.

My writing is my passion...my expression...my release.
I am an imaginative pragmatist...free and deep thinking.
I view the world in different shades and tones.
I appreciate the poetic beauty residing in the shadows.

Take a look at me now...a real good look.
I am not the worm strung from the hook.
Look at yourselves...you are the insignificant bait.
Simplistic bias minds, bound to one dreadful fate.

3:32 am

Sometimes...I wish you would read this.
I wish you could see all that I am.
Everything that I hide inside.
Every thought...each idea.
My beliefs.
My morals.
My interests.
My intelligence.
My goals.
What it is I hold dear to me.
All that I feel for you.
I wish you to know me.
I know you so well.
If only you could see me in my entirety...maybe...you would feel differently.
Perhaps, you would run faster.
We may never know.
For the fear of you having control...forbids it be shown.

Selfish.
Narcissistic.
Apprehensive.
Neurotic.
Infatuated.
Call me what you will.

In love, lust and loathing...my heart never ceases to burn for you. 

Mike Bohatch Image: Choices

Amazing.

Divulgence

Always reaching for words...to illustrate the infinite thoughts.

Scattered.  Spellbound.  Disorientated...in my head.

Always resorting back...to mindless emotions.

Sorrow.  Sanction.  Desolation...merely dread.

Always coming up short...of what it is I wish to express.

Sardonic.  Sadistic.  Decadence...imaginings I have already said.


I must scale to superior summits.

Once again, enhance my wits.

Dig and search to find...

words to depict the portraits in my mind. 

Him

Sometimes, I wish I never met him. For, my heart would still be my own.

.....

It is when we dare to question out own sanity...that we go utterly mad.

Stale September

I sense you in the September air.
Inhale your essence in the breeze.
The chill upon my spine reminds me.
As if, it was your kiss upon my neck.
The seasons always bring me back.
The song you sang to me echoes in my head.
"Hey little girl...tonight it's just you and me little girl...
I'm waiting darling...don't be late...for tonight...
my heart aches...for you little girl..."
I try to clear my mind.
Slow the beating.
Hush the screaming.
Soothe the weeping
Of the broken lover that lurks within.
It was neither you, nor I.
Merely, a missing link between love and it's fatality.
There is no cure for your absence.
No face to fill the empty space you gave.
No man speaks as honest tongues as yours.
No will left to find he, who will resurrect me.
For each time, it is nothing more than the same thing.
Embrace...enrage...erase...retrace. 

That Sharp Pain

Hair like the sleek, dark lining in the shadows of dusk.
His glowing emerald eyes set my entrails ablaze.
With a sinister smile, he forms a thousand phrases set to unravel me.
His hands like knives, bit-by-bit, butchering my insides.
Behold the heart of ingot iron...so cold...so much like my own.
Beneath the gorgeous mask, lies death's horrendous face.
Remorseless, ruthless, repulsive...empathy and purity omitted.
For his soul, stolen and sold, ages beyond years ago.
A malicious, manipulative mastermind loiters about.
Repress, depress, regress...consistently battling the man within.
He is my vigor...my hatred...my disgust...my rage.
He breathes the very air I draw in.
Mauling my lungs...gnawing away at each viscera.
Do not taunt him, nor tempt him.
Do not set him free from the cages of my rib. 

In Dreams

The candle's light dances with night's shadow.
Souls reach beyond common grounds, swallowing defenses.
Your mind rests in tranquility; unarmed and unaware.
In the glow, you lean in close.
Nearing your ear to my lips, this is my chance.
I sneak inside to catch a glimpse of your sheer magnitude.
I am your leech, your parasite.
No better than a bottom feeder.
Famished and fatigued, I crawl along the walls of your skull.
You are my cure for intellectual stimulation deprivation.
Off your deepest thoughts and darkest desires, I feed.
This thirst is a gluttonous one.
Longing to consume every inch of your mental capacity.
Lusting after what it is that makes you him.
…How it is you sincerely feel,
Why it is you think as you do...
Never distended, never sated...always craving more.
Inside your mind, through breath and blood, blissfully I could exist and expire.
To deem the surreal is, shown true, my only means of being within you. 

Unshed Tears

Somewhere within, the teardrops linger...lost...for I have exuded far too much time and energy forcing them to hide beneath anger and disgust.

Truth rant

Do you ever think about how the world would be, if people were absolutely unable to lie? (right...Liar Liar...I know).

Really though....can you even begin to fathom the idea of being able to trust every single person one hundred percent, without a single doubt in your head?

Ever wonder how many people, all around the world, have some type of trust issue? Millions...I'm sure. Relationships...any and every type...should be built upon trust. But, how can you trust, when the person you've dated for three years, cheats on you? Or when the one you've known for 10 years or so, that you call your best friend, hurts you in the most unexpected way? Maybe when your own blood...your own family...keeps secrets and tells lies? What about the couple that has been married for 35 years...when one of them snaps, out of the blue....and just murders the other?

If the closest people to you are capable of hurting you (emotionally or physically) through lies, deceitful actions or suddenly flipping a switch...then how the hell are you supposed to trust anyone?!

Such poor examples of love, all around, so often.
Love based on lies?
I don't even want my jobs based on lies and I hate those.
Count me out...I want nothing to do with it.

Right, right....I know....white lies to protect people's feelings. I've done it too. I try to keep it as minimal as possible and only ever when the truth really will do more damage than good....both short and long term. Ninety nine percent of the time,, lying is simply a form of selfishness. The majority is not the protective white lie. People lie, out of fear, to avoid consequences of the truth. Here's an idea...if you have to lie about it....don't do it. Think, before you act or speak. Question whether or not, what you're lying about, is worth losing who you're lying to. Pretty simple, really.

Am I crazy? Is it just me? The truth stings sometimes, but a lie fucking burns. I'd rather hear the truth, always, no matter how ugly.

So many people even lie to themselves. I'm totally guilty of that. The difference there though is, you actually know better. Only the psychotic ones, actually believe their own lies. I like blunt honesty; I think society could greatly benefit from it. However, with so much egocentricity, that might just make our world a bigger war zone.

If humans were incapable of lying...could you bare to hear the truth...would you even want to?

....

If I give to you a scarlet rose...would you give me the garden?

Oxymoron

My dear, you are the epitome of an oxymoron...

The quiet storm.
A still breeze.
The peaceful thunder.
Lightning terrified of trees.
You are grotesque beauty.
A withering Night Jasmine seed.
The insecure narcissistic.
A modestly arrogant being.
The safe addiction.
A stimulating anesthetic.
An herbal narcotic.
My erratic habit.
You are a string-less marionette.
An unworthy useless tool.
A unique cliche.
The all-knowing fool.
The God of Hell.
A pleasant pain.
The tender sadist.
An inferior sovereign.
Merely a local drifter.
A sloth with goals.
A choosy beggar.
The aspiring lost soul.
An ambulant deceased man.
A surviving fatality.
Breathing apparitions.
You are my joyous tragedy.

Phobia

I awaken.
Dark still.
Why?
Blind?
Sewn shut?
I reach out.
Nothing.
Trapped.
Lost.
Where is here?
How?
Panic.
Fear.
Again...
I reach out.
Silk?
Maybe satin?
Oh my.
Wooden beams.
Panic.
Fear.
Motionless.
Breathless.
Claustrophobic.
Last thought.
I am going to die.
Here....buried alive. 

Me Vs. Me

So close. Always so close....to getting away....letting go....forgetting. Sucked back in like a black hole....there is no escape. Strong will....he steals. A game of lust and loathing....it's a mind trip. Step carefully....I tell myself....can't slip. Put to death all emotions before they grow....keep the heart cold. Keep in mind....he'll break you down....if you stick around. Admit it....he means more to you. More than you wish him to....than you claim him to be. Your skin may be thick like leather....but inside you are lace. Why set yourself up for failure....disappointment.....heartache? All is true....but I told you...I can't....I can't escape. Something....somehow....always drags me back into his embrace. My mind is intact....I'll be fine....don't worry....just get off my back. Your mind may be tactful dear....but just remember....the brain has no voice when the heart speaks. My apologies....for being so harsh...so bold. For....I wish not to upset you. But my dear....you are falling....falling in love....with the devil....and my god....he will consume your soul. 

Foolish Reveries

Lay with me in the meadows, by the countryside.
Grace my ears with your soothing lullabies.
Read to me while I rest, encased in the warmth of your limbs.
Take me unto the tale, far from all things grim.
Entwine your fingers with mine and pull me from this darkness.
Force me to see, not all that spins outside my world is monstrous.
Eradicate the gruesome entity that has infested my mortal scraps.
Rescue me from the blood lusting wolves and their rock-strewn traps.

Sit with me in the thick smog, near the fireside.
Stare into me amorously, entrancing me with your eyes.
Articulate not a single word; allow only your heart to speak out.
Pledge not one promise; permit time to disprove my doubts.
Explore and discover every aspect of my intricate, internal self.
Hold my hand up to your chest, to sense heartbeats felt for no one else.
Reveal yourself to me entirely; hide not in the shadows of this night.
Delicately revive the thumping of my heart...out of purity...not in spite.

Take me to your elite scene of solitude, by the lakeside.
Make us lost in the grains of sand, under the lifeless sky.
Place your hand upon my face and subtle kisses upon my lips.
Brush over my skin with the lightness of your fingertips.
Toast to an eternal life lived together in truth, love, and pleasure.
Drink with me the celebratory wine, red as ruby treasures.
Forever express your love, not through idioms, but actions.
Walk with me in this fantasy and we shall find undying satisfaction.


…Hope slowly fades to ethereal illusions before my eyes.
…I'm beginning to believe your existence is merely my mind's lie.

Advocating Sin

Come here dear.
I won't say please.
Bow before me.
Beg for it...on your knees.
Pin me down now.
Push your lust inside.
Pull my hair.
Tell me your fairy tale lies.
Drag your nails down my back.
Sink your teeth into my neck.
Do it! I won't be an emotional wreck.
For, there are no emotions left.
You think I'll fall for you again?
I won't fall...I'll break you before I fall.
I'll take everything you have.
Knock you down, just to watch you crawl.
You think you can manipulate me?
Creep into my mind and fuck it?
Give it your best shot darling.
You won't get away with that shit.
You want to misuse me baby?
Don't put forth much effort...I'll allow you to.
This time around, I'm in control.
And I'm playing you for the fool. 

Whipping Boy

I stood at his front door last night.
Under the sky's silver eye.
Drenched in the cries of Heaven
My tears had room to hide.
In a time of retribution and desperation...
Swarming with disarray and no care for consequence...
Wanting no longer to be alone...
I drank my pride and knocked upon his foyer.

"My dearest Tempter, I've returned.
I submit to you now; tainted heart in bloody palm.
I am finished, I am through.
Condemned love to hell along with myself and you.
The lesson has already been taught.
I accepted the shallow waters we wade in long ago.
I ask you simply to lay me down, so that I may feel.
Feel desirable...feel alive...and most of all to know I'm still human."

A nightmare...being back there.
Never thought I'd revisit.
Misery surrounded us like starved mosquitoes
Sucking dry our bones, just for a reminiscent taste.
Scorched by his flame one too many times
Now blazing together in chorus.
Last night an intense rendezvous with Satan
Today an induction into the realm of wicked decadence.

Caution

Wide eyed
You looked at me.
Truly amazed
You said to be.
Pretty pictures
Painted in gray.
Promising hope
For a better day.
Twisting, twirling
Thoughts in my head.
Spinning, swirling
Words that you said.
False truth
You then claimed.
Sincere apologies
uttered in shame.
My forgiveness
I gave to you.
Another chance
If only you'll be true.
Lying tongues
No longer tolerated.
Never again
Will I be dominated.
Brittle bones
I may crack.
True trust
I still lack.
Tread lightly
approach with care.
Another disaster
I cannot possibly bear.
Please wait.
The barriers will crash down.
Have patience
My heart will come around.

Selfrighteous Vengeance

Hateful shell.
Broken inside.
This is my hell.
Just let me fucking die.
Frost bitten heart.
The beating has ceased.
I've caught on...got smart.
Now, I'll bring them all to their knees.
I don't want to feel.
Don't want to speak.
I just want to heal.
Rise above the weak.


I'm on the brink of the rock's face.
Below me, the fiery trenches await.
I'm falling faster than time can chase.
This is my destiny, my fate...there is no escape.
To hell with love and all it stands for.
Love is just as cheap as talk these days.
To hell with the worthless ones whom knock upon my door.
Each man is the same simplistic maze anyway.
One by one, they've taken their turns.
They beat me bloody until I couldn’t bleed anymore.
Insignificant little boys...they must learn.
The blood will seep now, from their filthy pores. 

GO

Leave me alone.
Leave my sight
...my dreams.
Leave my thoughts
...my memories.
Leave my touch
...my lips.
Leave my skin
...my hips.
Leave me alone tonight.

Get out!
Please, get out
...of my head
...my bed.

Leave me alone.
Stop haunting me
...wanting me.
Stop loving me
...hating me.
Stop looking at me
...enticing me.
Stop calling me
...deceiving me.
Leave me alone tonight.

Just go!
Please, just go
...find another
...another lover.

Leave me alone.
I don't want to fall for you
...love you.
I don't want to cry for you
...hate you.
I don't want to long for you
...crave you.
I don't want to live for you
...need you.
Leave me alone tonight.

5:53 am

Sights set.
Hearts race.
Palms sweat.
Bodies shake.
Cores tremble.
Souls soar.
Minds wander.
Curiosity strikes.
Mystery instills.

A touch.
A kiss.
A word.
A phrase.
A lover.
A fuck.
A lie.
A mask.
A face.

Time invested.
Love shared.
Disillusions spent.
Expectations unmet.
Flesh burned.
Corpses bared.
Hearts shattered.
Dreams torn.
Hopes destroyed.

All for a thrill.
For love.
For lust.
For a chance.
For romance.
To reform.
To be happy.
To lose.
To bleed.

Play the game.
Again and again.
A vicious circle.
Go round and round.
Crying out.
Dying to be loved.
Wait or search.
Either way we all play.
To find a soul mate
......someday. 

Why Am I Here?

Am I just killing time again?
Waiting for my enchanting end?
Am I talking to myself again?
Does anyone ever even listen?
Am I wasting my night again?
Why did I bother picking up the pen?
To phrase another pointless rhyme?
What shall I write about this time?
The spiteful words that slay my father?
Perhaps, the endearment of my mother?
Things gone dreadfully wrong within our society?
How we will continue to regress by way of inhumanity?
My lovesick soul that cries like a child trapped inside?
My despise for those who have cheated and lied?
The empathy I feel for tormented spirits, while it eats me alive?
The desperation of broken hearts wishing to die?
The grotesque world I see when I step outside my door?
The greed and jealously that compels humans to be dissatisfied, always craving more?
Insecurities that haunt me when I cry myself to sleep?
Realities that taunt me while I wish to dream?
The crazed images that scatter themselves in my mind?
The sanctity of my own sanity that I am dying to find?
The faith I have lost in religion, love, and mankind?
How I still search for a single creature to be purely divine?
Rant and rave about stolen individuality?
How so few still acquire creativity?
The fascination I have with the human psyche?
How I long to be an all-knowing being?
The doubts that consistently wonder about my head?
How I dread to rest in the solitude of my lonely bed?
The fear I have of remaining in the company of only myself for eternity?
...These thoughts are bound to place me into an infirmary. 

You...

You twist my realities and consume my sanity.

...get out of my head.

To be inside his mind...

Number one:

I am finally done; my ego has gotten the best of me. Bright eyes, lust, attraction...things that consume me and also others. My pride and vanity, well hidden even to myself. I attract, I obtain, then I let go. Out of spite, jealousy, or ignorance...they come back, But as soon as they go or make that move...I get angry, frustrated...I am sooo selfish. I deserve it all, I need to let go...and I will. I am an object of lust and obsession, I really don't think I want it any other way. "...and god gave me sex appeal..." one of my favorite quotes. As well as "scratch and scrape this heavenly body". That's how I am and feel; I am worthless otherwise. Attachment and emotion are not my thing. Use me, abuse me...that's the way I like it. I am the world's whore, as long as you have the time and the money.

Number two:

Take this in...
Stare helplessly, in anger, in betrayal...but we never part. We hate as much as love lets us. Take it in...on my bed...so dirty as the soul I wear. Used and abused, the walls scream many tales. The lining holds the DNA of past, present and fears for the future. I take in your disease; you feel my virus? Die with me.
How many more will submit to punishment?
I often ask myself daily...hourly...fuck this...every second flesh upon flesh...the bearing of one's soul, open like the whore's legs. I can feel you; understand you...does that scare you? I often laugh at the fact that, I know you better than you know yourself. I am you...I absorb you...take you in...as you take this in.
My Love...
As I make your feel this love...this love like a touch, a grace of god...this embodiment of flesh...scratch and scrape this heavenly body..."every inch of willing skin".
Victim...
You? Fuck you! Me; more like I was one. I was led...misunderstood me...wished for more, you asked for it...I gave into temptation. You brought this upon me...could I want more? Do I sit here now dwelling on this? If not, why would I be writing?  Who am I anyway? Who did this to me? Could I dare blame anyone, but myself? Don't ask me; I don't know...nor should you care.

_________________________________________________________________________________

Oh my darling...in such twisted ways, your mind works. I should have taken it all as a warning. I think I did and just ignored it. Maybe they weren't loud enough. What the fuck is wrong with me?! Reading them...only made me more intrigued...I think. You so boldly put yourself out there, leading each of us to believe you to be so damaged, but honest...and real. Simply selfish; admittedly so. Lie right through your teeth, even after you're caught, to harness that selfishness. So much truth in the names your bury your sin in...my Fallen Angyl. Some say you're foolish. I say you are simply and ingenious mastermind. Manipulating the putty in your hands, to form your slaves. Even the clever ones, as knowing as I, submit themselves to you. I have. At times, I still desire to...but I am smarter than you...I will not die with you.

The truth in black and white, finally. Damn you. No, me. I should have known. I think I did know. Self loathing...I want to come back so badly...but I cannot indulge myself in you. "An object of lust and obsession"....couldn't be more true. I swore you showed me more though. I'm sure they did too. Like a game maybe...which one of us wins? ...or loses for that matter? Just lust. Lust wins and ruins. Still...I can't help but feel that somewhere inside of you, beneath all the wreckage of the damage....there is a genuine soul. Delicate. Hiding. How I wish I'd been graced by your introduction before then.

Our arrangement was so simplistic...all you had to do was tell the truth. Frustrated now, as you always are, when the truth finds you. Let the wounds scab over. Heal. Head first. Maybe then you'll change your mind. For, unveiled masses of skin in the twilight, will never fill the void in your life. Trust me...I know.

...I could have.

This is my rant...my rage. It may never come across your sight. If it does, you'll likely not care.
...Maybe I should arrange it so.  Closure? Maybe.

Sadly Mistaken...

The beautiful one, my Fallen Angyl...look upon the murderous things you have done. False truth behind your eyes, incredible passion beneath your skin. I took in your virus and every malicious sin. I must admit, within moments of lust, I felt my heart awaken. Left with your disease scratching at my brain, eating away at my flesh. Oh...I was so sadly mistaken.

Sleep doesn't want me...

I really wish I could sleep right now, but I cannot. Instead, I'm here, wasting my thoughts on the worthless one. That boy really knows how to sucker you in, then spit you out. I often wonder how I see such beauty in such evil beings. Ah, but my eyes of deceive me. Having a dark side is somehow so eccentric and intriguing, I can't help myself. Being purely evil though....

I'm growing colder. I've already grown so weary of love of all it's games. I do not want to be a numb, cold, heartless bitch...but "hate's evil aide invades my insides. I fear, that by the time I find someone worth loving, I will be far too blinded by my anger and resentment, to see it. 

Eh...if I write anymore...it's only going to be more mindless rambling....

Hideously Beautiful

March 18, 2003

Three hours plus, into this day, home now from our "visit".

Oh, how the midnight shadows fell upon his face, so exquisite.
Toxic hearts as open as my legs wrapped tightly around his form.
I laid in the comfort of ten million feathered pillows, unadorned.
Daggers fell from the walls with distinct intent...to be intimate...with my flesh.
His warmth inside me, flawlessly, repeatedly into me...enmeshed.
Tonight, I designed my own death...murderous weapons of lust...I disengaged.
Upon this encounter, I pained the beating of broken hearts enraged.
Unlike the soulless icy pleasures of yesterdays, blood ran hot, through my veins.
Flames inside my chest, a slight pulsating...revitalized from my own disdain.
From his eyes, I cannot hide...he will be the end of me, I cannot abide.
I do not want this, not like this...for it will end with a letter of suicide.
For my thoughts already captured by his innate beauty.
I center my attention about him as if he were an artless deity.
Thoughts, rhythms and rhymes jumbled in my head.
I cannot comprehend that of which has been unsaid.
Lucid dreams of reality exclude the slightest impossibilities.
Within my mind...I find mystified visions of fantasy...he has consumed my sanity.
I lay in bed now, dying to know...to know the secrets he hides inside.
Scratching the walls and biting my nails, attempting to decipher truth from lies.
The time is near...and so I fear...I will come to find my uncertainties ring true.
Make it quick...so that I can get...over it...before my logic fades and desires accrue.

March 24, 2003

7:51 in the morning now, home from the club and still awake.

Ah tonight...tonight the masquerade came to a deafening end...exposing you as fake.
Thought you could inch your way into my mind and blind me from the truth.
Have your way with me...use me...abuse me...until you were through.
Thought you could wrap your charming chains around my throat.
Make me your slave like those before me you have choked.
Far too close you came, my dear...but my intellect transcends your own.
You hide behind elaborate, pretentious cloaks…those of which cannot be condoned.
Foolish man…assumed you slaughtered me with a single stroke of the sword you drew.
I have freed myself from you...there are more...there is better...I do not need you.
You have climbed far too high upon that pedestal of yours, darling.
Descend now, for you will have thy own hand to blame for your imperial falling.
Show me no pity, for I would have given you every last diamond in the sky.
Been your savior...the one to heal your wounds, answer your cries...give you wings to fly.
Rid your heart of cold; remind you of love, lift you up...make life less intolerable.
My beloved...you are so divinely wicked...despicable, yet beyond admirable.
Visions of you brand themselves on my brain…spoken words still embedded within in my head.
I wish you away...could I only cast you out...but inside me, you will live, even after my blood is shed.
I cannot force fault upon anyone but myself, for I had already figured you out.
I envisioned this...my heart gorged from my chest...upon the floor...bleeding about.
Oh, my fiendish Lucifer, you stole my soul, leaving me as bleak and bitter as you.
The scrapes are scabbing over, but the scars will remain forever...tattooed. 

Fallen Angyl

Divine flesh beneath my nails and in my teeth.
Passion fills the air, so thick I can barely breathe.
Unveiled masses of skin in simultaneous motion.
Illustrating, mocking portraits of true emotion.

Strangely, this is known in acceptance.
Not even the slightest thought of repentance.
Maybe there is, for the words did surge from my hand.
Within dark corners of myself, I admit fear of this man.

For, a beautiful soul hides inside.
That, not even he, himself can deny.
Why must I always scratch at the exterior?
Digging and digging until I find the innermost core.

Damn the senseless bitch that hurt him so.
Condemn her to a life of anguish for turning him cold.
It is because of her, I do not want to feel for him.
I do not want to get too close to take him in.

The fear of falling taunts me consistently.
Slaughter all sentiments now, before they demolish me.
This is...what it is...and nothing more.
For, I know I will never be the one, whom he adores.

Inside THEIR minds

I know all the right moves...all the right games to play.
I know how to get what I want and how to make you stay.

I exploit the kindhearted, sensitive role.
Once you trust, I will take control.

Passionately, I look deep into your eyes.
Obliviously, you see truth in my lies.

You say you have heard all my lines before.
I will convince you that I am so much more.

I kiss your forehead and softly stoke your hair.
You think my actions show how sincerely I care.

Naive little girl, you will never know.
Your blind eyes see only what I wish to show.

All the sweet things I whisper in your ear,
I know it is exactly what you want to hear.

"I am an honest man; please put your faith in me."
"I promise not to lie...I promise not to deceive."

"I need you to open your heart to me...do not be afraid."
"I would never hurt you, believe me, this is not a charade."

"I vow to love you baby, more with each passing day."
"You are the only one for me; I swear to never go astray."

In that instant, hard and quick, you fall and submit.
The devil himself, could not design a plan this perfect.

Slowly you see, I am not at all, what I claimed to be.
You cry and wonder why you still love me.

I have captured your heart along with your body and soul.
I have surrendered nothing and have left you cold.

You can try to get over it and move on.
Still, I will linger within you, long after I am gone.

The Palace

Taste the bitterness, as fury escapes my lips.
My tongue, you will no longer hear.
Last chance you will have to fold your ears.

Watch the concrete doors, as they close forever.
You were the last to enter.
None will come thereafter.

Listen to the guards, as they laugh at your endeavors.
Your welcome has been depleted.
You have won; I have been defeated.

Feel my pain, as you see my bleeding heart on display.
Remember you were last to strike, before internal eruption.
You were the breaking point of my destruction.

Breathe in the stench of decay, as I lie in the dungeon.
Warn the others to stay far away from my vindictive lair.
My sullen soul dares not to love, wishes not to care.



I taste the cherry waters, as I sink in animosity.
Ambulant currents devoured my faith in humanity.
The vines along the walls, stole my individuality.

I watch those I know, as I laugh mirthlessly.
For they tolerate love's malevolent ways.
Meanwhile, I lie resting in desolate caves.
                    
I listen to their pleas, as they pray I live not in loathing.
Disgust swallowed me entirely, down to my very core.
It is far too late; do not bother praying for me anymore.

I feel hate's evil aide, invading my insides.
My strength has corroded slowly, with each love-shed tear.
I face darkness now; too diluted and meek to battle its wicked sneer.

I breathe in the odor of my own fear, for this was never my intention.
I desired only to be loved for all that I am, and everything I exemplify.
But eyes do not immerse into others as profoundly as mine. 

One Last Time

Take my hand one last time.
Look at me with old eyes.
Tell me everything will be okay.
Say you're not going to leave me this way.

Lay with me outside one last time.
Speak to me with no lies.
Tell me you have always cared.
Say you'll remember the times we've shared.

Make me smile one last time.
Remind me that with laughter, sorrow dies.
Tell me your comic role has just begun.
Say there are millions of laughs still to come.

Hold me in your arms one last time.
Promise me you will never say goodbye.
Tell me amity resides, though our love has died.
Say you'll stay by my side, without feeling obliged.

Comfort me one last time.
Wipe the tears from my cheek as I cry.
Tell me I have lost only a lover, not my best friend.
Say "one last time" is irrelevant since we are far from the end.

Trust in Instinct

Gorgeous eyes, painted with the oceans' sheerest hues.
Brilliant smile; capable of lightening the deepest dark blues.
Free spirited as if the world had no control.
Beyond humane; truly a compassionate soul.
Dreams like fire, you burn with ambition.
Boundless intellect, infused with great intuition.
Strong views and beliefs account for interesting conversation.
Your words rise above shallow waters and offer great stimulation.

Diverse man; you satisfy my incessant need for variety.
Even so, mysterious aspects instill me with curiosity.
Entirely taken by you...all that you are...all you long to be.
I see a man with a genuine core, yet my eyes often deceive me.
Unable to turn away, in hopes all this may be true.
So now, I must trust in instinct and open my heart to you.
Eliminating the walls, I completely lay myself on the line.
Please be cautious though, for parts of me remain lost in time.